Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Good evening, Moons,” said Reala, answering the phone.
“Hello Reala, it’s Alpaca,” said Alpaca.
“Oh no,” sighed Reala. “What now?”
“Just letting you know, I’ve set up a telephone hotline,” said Alpaca. “You can call me for spiritual teachings and lessons.”
“Really?” said Reala, bracing herself.
“Yeah,” said Alpaca. “Dial-a-llama…”
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“Whoa,” yelled Alpaca, “don’t hit me on the head with that thing!”
Reala waved around the broom trying to shush Alpaca out the door. “Why not?” she yelled back.
“Because I got a bump on my head,” said Alpaca. “A book fell off a shelving unit and bonked me on the bonce.”
Reala paused and inspected the big red bump.
“I have only my shelf to blame,” sighed Alpaca.
“Get out!” groaned Reala.
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“Hang on,” grumbled Reala to Alpaca. “Is that a duck on your back?”
“Oh yes,” replied Alpaca.
“What’s she doing here?” asked Reala.
“Oh she likes my puns,” said Alpaca.
“Yep,” said the duck. “They quack me up!”
Reala reached for a broom.
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“I could bring my friend,” said Alpaca.
“Oh aye?” asked Reala. “Why would you bring your friend to a picnic date?”
“She’s a burger. Sort of,” pondered Alpaca.
“You’re friends with a burger?” asked Reala.
“Well, the bread bit of a burger,” said Alpaca. “She’s quite intelligent. She’s had some academic success.”
“Oh no,” said Reala, seeing it come from a mile away.
“Yep,” added Alpaca, “she’s on the honours roll.”
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“Wanna go on a date with me?” asked Alpaca.
“No,” replied Reala sternly.
“Oh come on, at least have a picnic with me,” pleaded Alpaca.
“Oh aye,” said Reala, “you are a llama of some sort, how will you bring food to a picnic?”
“Alpaca lunch,” she replied.
Reala grimaced.
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“Do you know your bra strap looks too tight from behind,” said Reala.
“It is rather,” sighed Alpaca. “Bit hard to adjust them with hooves.”
“Want me to loosen it a bit for you?” asked Reala.
“Would be nice,” said Alpaca. “It’s my sister’s bra.”
“Don’t have any of your own?” asked Reala.
“Yes, but they’re all in the wash. I tripped over this one sneaking into my sister’s room. I don’t think she likes me going through her stuff.”
“Ah,” said Reala. “Maybe it was a booby trap?”
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“Oh no!” gasped Alpaca.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“I just saw the back of my head in the mirror behind the bar,” moaned Alpaca. “Looks like I’m going bald.”
Reala wandered around behind Alpaca. “It’s only a small patch.”
“Maybe I should tattoo a rabbit on the back of my head,” pondered Alpaca.
“Why would you do that?” asked Reala.
“Because from a distance,” said Alpaca, “it would look like a little hare.”
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“You’re a bit strange,” observed Reala.
“I’m strange?” gasped Alpaca. “You’re the one serving Viagra tea to an alpaca.”
Reala nodded in agreement at Alpaca’s logic.
“Besides which,” continued Alpaca, “neither of us are as strange as Mad Betty McGrue, the homeless pony of Pontefract.”
“Oh aye?” pondered Reala.
“Mmhmm,” said Alpaca. “She’s unstable.”
https://youtu.be/IvwA-e9I-ek
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“OK,” said Reala, “I am afraid Fuen and Yuffie scoffed all the Hobnobs and Digestives.”
“Knackers,” sighed Alpaca.
“I do have some Animal Crackers,” said Reala.
“Oh, I can’t eat them on account of my beliefs,” replied Alpaca.
“Eh?” enquired Reala.
“I’m a vegetarian,” replied Alpaca.
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“Can I get you something?” asked Reala.
“Cuppa tea and some biscuits, please,” requested the Alpaca. “Do you have them new Viagra tea bags?”
Reala studied Alpaca. “You’re a female llama. Why would you need Viagra tea?”
“Oh, it’s not for sex,” replied Alpaca. “It just stops the biscuits going soft.”
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Little Fears 