Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Ma’am,” said Sally, “we just got a call over the radio.”
“Another murder?” asked Lily.
“Afraid so,” replied Sally.
“Where’s this one?” enquired Lily.
“Wee Breakfast Bar, on the corner of Piccadilly,” said Sally.
“It would appear,” replied Lily, “we could be facing a cereal killer.”
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“I stayed at her families house overnight three years ago,” said Sally.
“Oh really?” asked Lily.
“I should have known about Molly’s criminal intentions back then,” sighed Sally.
“Did she have an attitude towards stealing bus stops back then?” asked Lily.
“Well,” said Sally, “the signs were there.”
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“Here,” said Lily. “Look at this.”
Sally leant in and read the mad scribbles at the bottom of each page. “Molly hated bus drivers,” she observed.
“It looks like she was running a long campaign of confusion and fear against bus drivers,” replied Lily.
“Incredible,” muttered Sally, “she was pulling out all the stops.”
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“Any other clues?” asked Lily.
“Molly’s car ma’am,” replied Sally.
“What’s up with it?” asked Lily.
“Bottles of wine and cans of beer crammed into the driver’s door, glove box and centre console ma’am,” said Sally, leading Lily to the car.
“Now that’s interesting,” said Lily lifting a stack of paper off of the passenger seat. “Page after page of calculus.”
“Well,” sighed Sally, “I never thought Molly was the type of girl to drink and derive…”
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“Can you tell us anything about the weapon?” asked Lily.
“Well ma’am,” replied Sally, “it’s from West Papua, Bird’s Head Peninsula. Crafted from birch wood I believe.”
“You seem quite knowledgeable of boomerangs Inspector Sally,” observed Lily.
“West Sussex champion wood thrower, three years running ma’am,” replied Sally. “My career in sports came to an end when I forgot to how to throw a boomerang.”
“Oh dear,” said Lily. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s ok ma’am,” said Sally. “It came back to me.”
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“DCI Lily,” said Sally, “there’s been a break-in at the local chemist.”
“I see,” replied Lily, “anybody injured?”
“Afraid so ma’am,” said Sally. “Molly Cule, murdered at the scene.”
“Darn,” replied Lily. “Was anything stolen?”
“Yes,” said Sally checking her notes. “300 bottles of Viagra.”
“Well it would appear,” said Lily, “we may be looking for a hardened criminal.”
“There’s one thing I don’t understand ma’am,” pondered Sally.
“What’s that?” asked Lily.
“Why do you think she grumped about our cat puns?” asked Sally. “She seemed to enjoy kitty based jokes at one point.”
“It’s possible she’s at that age,” pointed out Lily. “Going through the change.”
“Ooooh,” replied Sally. “Yes, I’ve heard the meow-no-paws can be rough.”
Photo by delfi de la Rua on Unsplash
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Four police cars, two ambulances, a fire engine and an ice cream van, had arrived.
“Sorry ma’am,” said Sally. “She got the better of me twice!”
“It’s OK inspector,” said Lily. “I’m just glad we’re all still alive.”
Lily stopped a police car as it drove past. She leaned into the back window. “Robyn, I hope this has taught you your cat burgling days are over.”
“It’s given me paws for thought,” sighed Robyn, rattling her handcuffs. “This whole week has been catastrophic…”
Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash
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Robyn held a stuffed cat toy in the air. “You know what this is?” she yelled. “It’s a kitty toy with a stick of dynamite in!” declared Robyn. “You’ll never take me alive copper!”
“Now calm down,” said Lily, “ we can talk about this.”
Robyn lifted Sally up and shoved her into the driver’s seat of the car. “Don’t even try to…”
Robyn was cut off, as a lady appeared and thwocked her on the head with a flower pot. As Robyn collapsed in a heap on the floor, the lady tossed the dynamite stick to an empty corner of the car park.
Pop! Bang!
“You…” gasped Sally. “You are… Were…”
“Justine Thyme,” replied the lady. “I own the herb shop over the road.”
Photo by Christopher Windus on Unsplash
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Lily crept across the car park, and standing on a skip, had a peek in the window.
Sally sat in the car adjusting her hat and truncheon when suddenly, Robyn opened the car door. Sally screamed, reaching for her batton, but it was too late. Robyn had Sally in her vice-like grip and was dragging her out of the car.
“Stay right there!” yelled Robyn, Lily froze, watching helplessly from across the car park. “I knew you were onto me. I’ve following you pattern for days. Your cat puns DCI Lily, they are appawling!”
Photo by Jacob Spence on Unsplash
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Little Fears 