Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“He’s angry again,” sighed Yuffie, awaiting the destruction.
“If his pets were better behaved it would help,” moaned Spectre.
“How so?” asked Fuen.
“Well his hamster for example,” said Spectre. “His hamster spent 3 months asking for a home gym, and eventually Spider spent £7,000 on equipment.”
“Cripes!” exclaimed Fuen. “What happened then?”
“Eh,” sighed Spectre. “It didn’t work out.”
“So I told Red,” declared Yuffie, “he has to swim in the sea now.”
“Why’s that?” asked Fuen, arriving in time to miss the conversation.
“Because the life guard at the pool caught Red peeing in the deep end,” said Yuffie.
“Oh dear,” sighed Fuen.
“Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud,” continued Yuffie, “Red almost fell in.”
“Why is he so angry?” asked Yuffie.
“His missus threw him out,” replied Fuen.
“Again?” sighed Yuffie.
“Yeah,” said Fuen. “He bought her a playboy girl outfit.”
“Ah,” said Yuffie. “Not a happy bunny.”
He held the magnifying glass above the ant. Every time it started to burn, it would manage to get out of the focus of the heat.
“Try pinchin’ it’s legs off,” said James.
He reached down, gently holding the ant under his thumb, sheared each of its legs off with his nail.
Once immobile, the lens came back out, the ant began burning again.
Funny the things you remember, when you have been drugged and left paralysed under a glass roof on the hottest day of the year.
“I think he went there looking for star signs,” said Yuffie.
“Funny that,” said Hydra, “I was in a pet shop the other day looking at goldfish.”
“Oh aye?” replied Yuffie.
“Yeah,” said Hydra. “This guy comes up to me and asks if I want an aquarium.”
“Mmhmm” mumbled Yuffie.
“I tells him,” continued Hydra, “I don’t really care what star sign it is.”
“Don’t believe in it, do you?” asked Blue.
“Not sure,” said White.
“Magic doesn’t exist,” said Black.
“Well my missus made a voodoo doll of me,” said White.
“Seriously?” replied Black.
“Yeah,” pondered White. “I think she’s pulling my fin.”
“Met a snail today,” said Hydra.
“How did you get on?” asked Yuffie.
“Not bad,” said Hydra. “We spoke on the same level, and he was bigger than I imagined.”
“Cool,” said Yuffie. “I saw a microbiologist today.”
“Nice,” said Hydra.
“Eh,” said Yuffie. “Wasn’t as small as I’d imagined.”
“What’s ma’ name Bob?” asked the voice.
“Piss off,” replied Bob.
“Say my name Bob,” said the voice.
“Never,” said Bob.
Angela kicked him under the table. “Who the heck are you talking too?”
“Sean,” said Bob. His eyes glazed over. “Shi…”
His head dropped into his soup. Bob was dead.
Angela screamed.
“Hey Angela,” said the voice. “What’s ma name?”
“Well, Hydra got a dog,” sighed Yuffie.
“Oh, that’s nice for him,” said Fuen.
“He called it Ten Miles,” grumbled Yuffie.
“Ten Miles?” exclaimed Fuen.
“Yeah,” sighed Yuffie. “So he can say he’s walked Ten Miles every day.”
“What’s up, Bug?” said Fuen.
“The missus just kicked me out,” sighed Bug.
“But why?” asked Fuen.
“’Cause I put CCTV up all over the house,” sighed Bug.
“Don’t you think…” started Fuen.
“Yeah,” interrupted Bug. “I can see where she’s coming from.”
Little Fears 