Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Will you going to her funeral?” asked Sally.
“Yes,” said Lily. “Despite our differences, we do go back a long way. I believe there will be less than five people there.”
“Will you be honouring her last request?” asked Polly.
“What was the last request?” asked Sally.
“That she gets a glass coffin,” replied Lily. “Remains to be seen.”
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“Oh, no!” cried Anita.
Moments later an explosion was heard from inside the dry cleaners. Parts of a clock and scraps of a dynamite sleeve flew through the window.
Lily picked up the broken bomb and turned it over in her hands. “It looks like Anita created a bomb activated by puns.”
“Well,” said Sally, “that blew up in her face.”
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“OK, let’s get in there,” said Lily.
“We have to wait a moment,” replied Sally.
“Why?” asked Lily.
“Because there are crabs everywhere on the pavement outside,” pointed out Sally.
“Crabs?” asked Lily.
“Yeah,” replied Sally. “They are using the sidewalk.”
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“Anita,” called Lily. “We know you are in there, come out with your hands up!”
“I can’t,” shouted Anita. “I’m busy!”
“Doing what?” called back Lily.
“I have my eye on an online auction for a vintage timepiece,” hollered Anita.
“Put it on your watch list,” ordered Lily.
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“Sounds like you have known her a long a time,” said Sally.
“Yes,” sighed Lily. “Unfortunately we go way back.”
“Did she start her criminal life with small crimes?” asked Sally.
“Well, her first crime was stealing one thousand cases of Red Bull,” replied Lily.
“My word,” said Sally. “How does she sleep at night?”
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“She could be going after her bone marrow donor,” pondered Lily.
“Oh, aye?” questioned Sally.
“She needed a transplant some years back from around here,” said Lily.
“Was it successful?” asked Sally.
“Oh yes,” said Lily. “They found an Argentinian man who was available.”
“I think I remember reading about this,” said Sally. “Diego Marrow Donor.”
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“Ma’am” cried Sally, “the sergeant says she has her trapped.”
“Tell her we’ll be there as quick as we can,” said Lily running for the car.
“The address looks like it’s the old dry cleaners in Willesden,” said Sally.
“There was evidence she had a stash of money there,” replied Lily.
“She certainly seems the type to be into money laundering,” growled Sally.
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“Thanks, Polly Hedron, your help is appreciated,” said Lily hanging up.
“What did she say?” asked Sally.
“She says statistically people who kill twice, always try to kill a third time,” replied Lily.
“You believe statics?” asked Sally.
“Most of the time,” replied Lily. “The other 137% of the time I reckon people exaggerate.”
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“Sally, can I have your phone?” asked Lily.
“Sure,” said Sally handing it over.
Lily began frantically dialling. “Where’s your phone?” asked Sally.
“Oh, I put it under my pillow last night,” sighed Lily. “Woke up to find the phone missing and a pound coin in its place.”
“For the love of,” sighed Sally. “Ruddy Bluetooth fairy.”
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“Ma’am,” said Sally, “call on the radio. They have spotted her.”
“Do they have a location?” asked Lily.
“Yes ma’am,” replied Sally. “The back gardens of Camden Street. She’s been stealing women’s underwear off the washing lines.”
“Good grief,” said Lily. “There’s no end to her villainy.”
A crackle and voice over the radio. “Darn,” said Sally. “It sounds like she gave the constables the slip.”
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Little Fears 