Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Why so glum?” asked Rice.
“I have Deaficus-Maximus,” sighed Red.
“What’s that?” enquired Rice.
“Means I’m going deaf,” replied Red.
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Rice. “Can you describe the symptoms?”
“Sure,” said Red. “Homer is fat and yellow, and Marge has blue hair.”
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“Ah,” said Algae, “but it was a good film.”
“Not sure I agree,” replied Aqua.
“It had a dinosaur and a spaceship,” said Algae.
“True,” said Aqua, “but I prefer ‘The Beavers in the Mist’.”
“Ahh,” agreed Algae. “Best dam movie we ever saw.”
~
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He knew what a woodlouse was. They were crustaceans. They were brown in colour. They ate dead plant matter. He thought they may like wood, but he’d never seen a wood louse eating wood. He knew they had a hard exoskeleton and he knew they were more active during the night.
What he didn’t know was why so many of them were crawling out from under his fingernails.
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“How do I get to the beach?” asked Horror.
“Take the elevator,” replied Hill.
“Elevator?” asked Horror. “Very disappointing.”
“How so?” asked Hill.
“I always find they let me down,” sighed Horror.
“Funny,” said Hill. “I find them quite uplifting.”
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“I am afraid to say,” said Spider, “I think your father ran off to join a cult.”
“Not Dad,” said Blue, “he only believes in atheism.”
“What’s atheism?” asked Yellow.
“A non-prophet organisation,” replied Pink.
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“Funny ‘ole fella Red,” said Merman.
“He’s like a fine wine,” replied Serpent.
“You mean he gets better as he gets older?” asked Merman.
“No…” sighed Serpent. “He’s like the sour grapes you had to stomp the crap out of until you had something acceptable to have dinner with…”
~
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The crocodile rolled, the smell of blood and fear hung heavily in the water.
He felt the tug as his leg ripped from his body. He stared up at the surface for an eternity.
Another bite. The remaining leg. Tumble, rip, spin.
The crocodile knew letting humans evolve this far had been a mistake.
~
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“What’s that Aqua?” asked Girl.
“New joke,” replied Aqua.
“Oh god,” whimpered Girl.
“It’s got a punchline about chemistry,” said Aqua.
“May I hear it?” asked Girl, for reasons unknown.
“Nah,” said Aqua, “it won’t get a reaction.”
~
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“Well he was a bit odd,” said Fuen.
“In what way?” asked Yuffie.
“When I said I was in the mood for chicken, he gave me an origami bird made from paper,” sighed Fuen.
“Ah,” replied Yuffie. “Well, Red once gave me a statue made entirely of gaffer tape.”
“Blimey!” said Fuen.
“I didn’t like it at first,” said Yuffie, “but then I got attached to it…”
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She’d always known he was pretty kinky. He bought her a new pair of shoes every date they went on. He griped if she wore socks, smalls or tights.
“Well I do like them,” he said licking the soles of her feet. “They taste good and look like porcelain.”
She squirmed. He smirked.
She knew what was coming next. She’d seen the hacksaw in the top drawer.
~
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Little Fears 