Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Fear of ink – 1
“And then,” grumbled Sprite, “she said she was leaving me because I changed my clothes every hour!”
“Fo’ real?” gasped Stalker. “What did you say?”
“Hold on a minute,” said Sprite. “I can change…”
…
Hah! Boom! A fear of ink. Not really a new series, but I’ve done so many one-offs, I gotta start putting them into a category for my own future tags. A fear of ink seems quite apt.
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Brass Ep. 14
Copper hadn’t seen anyone in months, but the stock had been going missing from stores she passed. She could understand folk emptying the pharmacies. But televisions disappearing troubled her.
The list of items she couldn’t get anymore was growing. She knew if she stayed here much longer she wasn’t going to be able to repair herself.
She sighed as she looked up the North road out of town. It had been blocked by a truck carrying snooker equipment. It had overturned and spilt its load.
The cues went back for miles.
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Brass Ep. 13
An old, red telephone box rattled in the wind. For a moment, it sounded like it was ringing. Copper shoved the rusted door open and looked inside. Colourless calling cards dulled by the sun adorned the back wall. A ripped up phonebook scattered its pages across the floor.
She picked up the receiver and held it to her ear. “Hello? Is anybody there?” Copper waited for a reply that silence answered.
She noticed spectacles had been painted across the eight and nine keys. Copper figured the phone had lost its contacts.
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Brass Ep. 12
She left the supermarket and darted across the street toward the hardware store. As she passed the betting shop a slip of paper blew out of the door. She put a claw into it, pinning it to the ground.
The writing was almost illegible. The text suggested someone had a bet for £100,000 on getting their neighbours’ cows hooked on weed.
The steaks had never been higher.
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Brass Ep. 10
She arrived in the pharmaceutical aisle. The men’s hair pomades often had petroleum jelly in. They smell nicer than Vaseline, as well. She pulled a couple off tins off the shelf and stuffed them into her bag.
Below the pomades were the ‘men’s wellbeing’ products. Iron, vitamins, zinc and more. A dozen chemist jokes leapt into her conscience. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. She tried to think of a chemistry pun she’d never heard before. She had heard barium jokes, H20 puns and inert gags.
With a sigh and a smile she figured, all the best chemist jokes Argon.
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#Colour_Collective has returned for another year. I’ve been doing them for two years now. Crikey, that means the Fears have been going for two years now. Nice.
Any-who, please allow me to introduce this week’s lovely lady, Quosh. She’s a bit grumpy because Fuen and the chick-lets stole her ice-cream.
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Brass Ep. 9
As she left the technology section, she knocked a ‘How to write letters in the Queens English’ DVD set off the shelf.
Copper pondered how you’d write a letter with a posh accent. She didn’t mind people learning correct spelling and grammar, but she had issues with language in general. She’d always dot her I’s, but crossing her t’s?
That’s where she drew the line.
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Brass Ep. 8
Copper noticed a novelty chameleon toy on the shelf. She picked it up and removed its packaging.
“Hello,” she said, turning it over in her hands. It had LED lights down its flanks, a colour change button on its belly and a USB power cord curled around itself for a tail. She pulled a power bank off the shelf and plugged the chameleon in. It sputtered to life, giving off a blue glow.
She pushed the colour change button, and nothing happened. Giving it a shake, Copper heard a rattle from within. She laid the lizard down on the shelf and gave it a little wave.
It’s a shame the creature was stuck on blue. Blue’s not a colour Copper liked. She figured it’s not the lizard’s fault. A reptile dysfunction can happen to anyone.
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Brass Ep. 5
The technology aisle was pretty small. There was a couple of mobile phones, radios and PC components. She plucked a mouse from the shelf and removed its packaging. Copper wiggled the mouse on the floor making squeaky noises.
She cut the USB cord to a tail length. Then pulled a red pen out of her bag and drew a pair of eyes onto it. “Squeak, squeak,” she said to herself.
She wondered if she could draw facial hair on it but decided it could do without a mouse-stache.
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The pharmacy aisle had collapsed in on itself. Copper sighed. It may have been easier to go to the shopping centre. There were four pharmacies there. It’s also a little closer to home.
In this lifeless world, shopping centres depressed her. The soulless corporate decor and escalators never worked. They should be teeming with people. Instead, they are lifeless museums to consumerism.
She often found, once you have seen one shopping centre, you have seen a mall.
Original photo by Daniil Avilov on Unsplash. Thanks to Warren for the $10 Patronage.
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Little Fears 