Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Capricorn (ep. 80)
“When did that happen?” she asked.
“Couple of weeks back,” he replied. “He was sat on the floor, cross-legged with a tablet in his hands, focused on a picture of a pumpkin. ‘Good for Halloween’ I said. He told me it was seasonal.”
“Seasonal?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“Did you tell him it was Easter, not Halloween?” she asked.
“No,” he replied. “Dementia’s a twat.”
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“Wanna go on a date with me?” asked Alpaca.
“No,” replied Reala sternly.
“Oh come on, at least have a picnic with me,” pleaded Alpaca.
“Oh aye,” said Reala, “you are a llama of some sort, how will you bring food to a picnic?”
“Alpaca lunch,” she replied.
Reala grimaced.
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“Do you know your bra strap looks too tight from behind,” said Reala.
“It is rather,” sighed Alpaca. “Bit hard to adjust them with hooves.”
“Want me to loosen it a bit for you?” asked Reala.
“Would be nice,” said Alpaca. “It’s my sister’s bra.”
“Don’t have any of your own?” asked Reala.
“Yes, but they’re all in the wash. I tripped over this one sneaking into my sister’s room. I don’t think she likes me going through her stuff.”
“Ah,” said Reala. “Maybe it was a booby trap?”
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“Oh no!” gasped Alpaca.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“I just saw the back of my head in the mirror behind the bar,” moaned Alpaca. “Looks like I’m going bald.”
Reala wandered around behind Alpaca. “It’s only a small patch.”
“Maybe I should tattoo a rabbit on the back of my head,” pondered Alpaca.
“Why would you do that?” asked Reala.
“Because from a distance,” said Alpaca, “it would look like a little hare.”
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“You’re a bit strange,” observed Reala.
“I’m strange?” gasped Alpaca. “You’re the one serving Viagra tea to an alpaca.”
Reala nodded in agreement at Alpaca’s logic.
“Besides which,” continued Alpaca, “neither of us are as strange as Mad Betty McGrue, the homeless pony of Pontefract.”
“Oh aye?” pondered Reala.
“Mmhmm,” said Alpaca. “She’s unstable.”
https://youtu.be/IvwA-e9I-ek
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“OK,” said Reala, “I am afraid Fuen and Yuffie scoffed all the Hobnobs and Digestives.”
“Knackers,” sighed Alpaca.
“I do have some Animal Crackers,” said Reala.
“Oh, I can’t eat them on account of my beliefs,” replied Alpaca.
“Eh?” enquired Reala.
“I’m a vegetarian,” replied Alpaca.
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“Can I get you something?” asked Reala.
“Cuppa tea and some biscuits, please,” requested the Alpaca. “Do you have them new Viagra tea bags?”
Reala studied Alpaca. “You’re a female llama. Why would you need Viagra tea?”
“Oh, it’s not for sex,” replied Alpaca. “It just stops the biscuits going soft.”
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Capricorn (ep. 78)
The effort of climbing the short flight of stairs made it wheeze and cough. It seemed more geriatric than terrifying. Years of comics and movies had changed the human mind’s perspective. He was not prepared for how vulnerable it appeared. He stepped back, into arms. Turning his head to see eight more behind him.
Sneaky buggers…
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Alpaca sat at the bar and started sniffling.
“What’s wrong?” asked Reala.
“Oh, I’ve just come from the petrol station,” replied Alpaca.
“And?” pushed Reala.
“I got a bit emotional,” replied Alpaca. “I just started filling up…”
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An alpaca swaggered into the pub wearing a huge slice of toast around her neck.
Reala looked over, grimacing. “Hello there.”
“Hey, hey,” replied Alpaca.
“What’s with the toast?” asked Reala.
“This?” said the Alpaca. “I’m in-bread…”
“Oh no,” sighed Reala.
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Little Fears 