Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Red slurped and burped.
“Red,” sighed Yuffie, “why are you drinking out of that thing?”
“Because every time I drink out of the cup of tea you made me I get a pain in my eye,” moaned Red.
“I see,” said Yuffie. “Have you tried taking the spoon out first?”
~
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“There must be something you’re good at,” said Field.
“Not really,” sighed Cloud.
“There’s not one thing you excel at?” asked Field.
“Only sleep,” said Cloud.
“You’re good at sleeping?” asked Field.
“Oh yes,” said Cloud, “I can sleep so well, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
~
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“It was like this,” she said. “A lot like this.”
“Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me about it.”
“I was hiding in the closet,” she replied. “I heard her close the front door. I was frozen. I was in a big armoire, so I didn’t think she’d find me so easily. But she just came up the stairs, into my room, and walked straight up to me, hiding inside.”
He whispered, “And then?”
She opened the door.
He screamed his last.
~
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“Why so glum?” asked Rice.
“I have Deaficus-Maximus,” sighed Red.
“What’s that?” enquired Rice.
“Means I’m going deaf,” replied Red.
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Rice. “Can you describe the symptoms?”
“Sure,” said Red. “Homer is fat and yellow, and Marge has blue hair.”
~
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“Ah,” said Algae, “but it was a good film.”
“Not sure I agree,” replied Aqua.
“It had a dinosaur and a spaceship,” said Algae.
“True,” said Aqua, “but I prefer ‘The Beavers in the Mist’.”
“Ahh,” agreed Algae. “Best dam movie we ever saw.”
~
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He knew what a woodlouse was. They were crustaceans. They were brown in colour. They ate dead plant matter. He thought they may like wood, but he’d never seen a wood louse eating wood. He knew they had a hard exoskeleton and he knew they were more active during the night.
What he didn’t know was why so many of them were crawling out from under his fingernails.
~
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“How do I get to the beach?” asked Horror.
“Take the elevator,” replied Hill.
“Elevator?” asked Horror. “Very disappointing.”
“How so?” asked Hill.
“I always find they let me down,” sighed Horror.
“Funny,” said Hill. “I find them quite uplifting.”
~
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“I am afraid to say,” said Spider, “I think your father ran off to join a cult.”
“Not Dad,” said Blue, “he only believes in atheism.”
“What’s atheism?” asked Yellow.
“A non-prophet organisation,” replied Pink.
~
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“Funny ‘ole fella Red,” said Merman.
“He’s like a fine wine,” replied Serpent.
“You mean he gets better as he gets older?” asked Merman.
“No…” sighed Serpent. “He’s like the sour grapes you had to stomp the crap out of until you had something acceptable to have dinner with…”
~
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The crocodile rolled, the smell of blood and fear hung heavily in the water.
He felt the tug as his leg ripped from his body. He stared up at the surface for an eternity.
Another bite. The remaining leg. Tumble, rip, spin.
The crocodile knew letting humans evolve this far had been a mistake.
~
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Little Fears 