Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Ma’am!” cried Sally. “Come quick!”
“What’s wrong?” asked Lily, bursting into the bathroom.
“Look,” said Sally pointing towards the toilet.
Lily peered at the toilet. Its seat was down. A pair of eyes peeked out back from under the lid.
“Sally,” said Lily. “Flush them out.”
Photo by Filios Sazeides on Unsplash
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Lily coughed and cleared her throat.
“I’ll check the bathroom cupboard, ma’am,” said Sally.
“For what?” asked Lily.
“Benylin or other medicine,” replied Sally.
“Aye?” asked Lily.
“For cough,” replied Sally.
“Alright, calm down Inspector,” replied Lily.
Photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash
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“Hang on,” said Lily. “This laptop, it’s a plant!”
“Have we been scrolling through PDF replicas of emails and web pages?” asked Sally.
“Yes,” grumbled Lily. “And her PDF reader hasn’t been patched.”
“Look at that,” said Sally. “Is that a profile picture?”
“Inspector, get on the radio,” said Lily. “We’re looking for a narrow faced lady, black hair, slim frame and no fixed Adobe.”
Photo by Lachlan Donald on Unsplash
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“What’s that smell?” asked Sally.
“Burning plastic,” replied Lily.
“The keyboards melting!” cried Sally.
“Darn,” grumbled Lily, watching the keys melt together.
“You must have hit a firewall,” moaned Sally.
Photo by Felix Russell-Saw on Unsplash
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It’s crested head visible above the trees signalling its arrival. The trees parted as the giant emerged from the forest. Its clawed hands crept across rooftops as it made its way through the town. The shadow of the beast turning the streets dark. The earth beneath it sinking into a deep trough as it drifted through the air above.
It arrived at the town hall. The mayor and her entourage ran outside. A civic duty. Defending their kind. She looks up. Eyes flashing red, its maw opens revealing thousands of pins for teeth. Saliva slides down its fangs, dripping onto the sprites below. It’s rank breath making all who smell it feel physically sick. A shiver runs down the mayors back.
“Would you please stop stealing my cottage cheese?” asked the giant. “I don’t mind that you steal it, it’s the little footprints you leave in it that drives me mad!”
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‘It Arrived’ is part of a three-way collaboration, with my good friends Layne of Chewing on Glass and Forrest of Forresting 365. You can visit their posts on the theme of ‘it arrived’ at the links below.
Layne: chewing-on-glass.com
Forrest: forresting365.com
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I know there are quite a few artists out there, like me, hawking their wares over on Etsy. So a wee titbit from this week.
“Effective July 16, Etsy’s transaction fee will increase from 3.5% to 5% and it will also apply to the cost of shipping. All other fees, including listing fees, will remain the same. “
Full update here: etsy.com/uk/seller-news/2018-june-update
If you looked at the forum this week you’d think this was world breaking armageddon time. The horror of a 46-page thread on the topic…
Three things are happening here. The first, we can strike straight off. People complaining about the introduction of subscription packages to help shops. Folk believe they will create an advantage for power sellers. They won’t. They’re awful.
The second thing to address is the increase from 3.5% to 5% on sales fees. A 1.5% increase. That’s going to increase your sales fee per £ from 3.5 pence to 5 pence. It’s nothing really is it? It’s also the first increase in 13 years. Etsy is still one of the cheapest places to sell all but the most expensive of wares.
Then we have the 5% fee on shipping. That’s annoying, but unfortunately necessary. You’ve all seen people pile on to the price of shipping. It still happens on eBay and Amazon to game search. Humans are feckers for finding ways around things and taking things to the extreme of taking the piss.
If the new fees are going to damage your income, consider just raising your prices by 1.5p per £ and incorporate the 5p per £ on shipping into the costs. It’s not a huge amount. It’s also certainly worth paying the 5% for the convenience of selling through Etsy. Although I sell 90% of my prints through messages on the site, Etsy does make the whole sales process easier.
If you want to start selling on Etsy or want a refresher course, consider trying a Skillshare course. For a 100% free course, sign up, skip payment info, and click the link below.
Building an Etsy Shop that Sells: Strategies for E-Commerce Success
Join Etsy’s Parker Gard to learn the ins and outs of creating a successful e-commerce business within an online marketplace.
Class link: https://skl.sh/2meUDhd
You can join for as little as $0.99 for your first two months, and you can cancel any time before the two months are up and you’ll never pay another penny. By joining Skillshare you gain access to thousands of top quality classes, including the epic Etsy class by Melanie Greenwood.
How To Sell Your Art On Etsy in 2017
Melanie delivers a four and half hour epic course covering quite literally everything a newcomer to Etsy needs to know. Plenty of things old hats could do with re-learning too.
Class link: https://skl.sh/2kzchKS
And of course, I have to get a plug into this post for my own Etsy store, etsy.com/uk/shop/LittleFears. There you can buy prints of my astrological series, the well-chirped birds, the cats at the top of this post and other fearful critters.
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“It looks like she’s angered a lot of people on the Internet,” said Sally.
“It seems that way,” said Lily. “Just look at her Twitter profile.”
“My word her spelling and grammar is awful,” noticed Sally.
“Oh, I hate spelling mistakes on social media,” moaned Lily.
“Me too,” replied Sally. “You mix up two letters and your tweet is urined.”
Photo by Andrea Reiman on Unsplash
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“It looks like she was planning a skydiving trip,” observed Lily.
“I’m too scared to go skydiving,” said Sally.
“Worried about the parachute not opening?” asked Lily.
“Definitely!” replied Sally.
“Well if it ever happens,” said Lily, “you’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.”
Photo by Danilo Batista on Unsplash
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“She’s got a few diet subscriptions service emails,” noticed Lily.
“I tried the almond diet recently,” said Sally.
“Oh, aye?” replied Lily. “How did that work out?”
“Eh,” moaned Sally. “It was nuts.”
“Sally, don’t make diet jokes,” sighed Lily.
“Sorry ma’am,” said Sally. “It was in poor taste.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
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“Let’s check her emails,” said Lily.
“What’s that one?” asked Sally.
“Household complaints,” replied Lily. “Looks like one of her neighbours has been playing loud music.”
“Oh, I had that,” moaned Sally. “Some bugger playing Lionel Ritchie at max volume.”
“I like Lionel,” said Lily.
“So do I,” sighed Sally. “But it was all night long…”
Photo by Jarosław Ceborski on Unsplash
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Little Fears 