Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Where are we going ma’am?” asked Sally.
“I know a lady,” said Lily. “She may have a lead for us on Robyn’s location.”
“You’re so well connected,” sighed Sally in awe. “May I ask who your contact is?”
“You’ve met her,” replied Lily. “She’s the flower growing, apple eating liar of East Croydon.”
“Ah, yes,” said Sally. “Poppy Cox.”
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“This isn’t my first animal case,” said Sally, clipping in her seatbelt. “I worked on the infamous reptile case of 2023.”
“Ahh, the rampaging lizard on Clapham Common?” asked Lily, flicking on the blues and twos.
“Yes ma’am,” replied Sally. “It attacked nineteen people, leaving four of them in intensive care.”
“If I have my police history correct, didn’t the lizard belong to Boy George?” asked Lily.
“Yes ma’am,” replied Sally. “I wish he’d had a calmer chameleon…”
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“She has real cats too,” said Sally, opening the car door.
“Yes, I recall her name in a case I was once involved in,” replied Lily.
“Oh?” asked Sally.
“Some years ago, one of her french cats attacked a famous Belgian, Hollywood film star,” said Lily. “A Mr Damne if my memory serves me well.”
“Oh dear!” gasped Sally. “Was he OK?”
“He survived,” replied Lily. “Jean clawed Van Damne.”
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Thank you for joining for today’s tale. If you need more Little Fears groaners, or even horrors, in your life, check out our books on Amazon. There’s no chronology to them and they are all completely separate books so you can start wherever and however you fancy. Unlike a delicate cake in a fancy restaurant. I don’t care how many stars you have, that chocolate cake is going into my mouth via hands. Feck the fork! Omnom!
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“She’s tried building piles of cat soft toys before ma’am,” said Sally.
“I see,” replied Lily. “How big has she made them in the past?”
“One hundred metres tall. I have a photo of the last one from her case file,” said Sally, handing Lily the photo.
“You see this?” asked Lily. “This pile has four flat sides getting smaller the higher the pile goes. See? A sharp point at the top.”
“What does that mean?” asked Sally.
“Looks like a purramid to me,” replied Lily.
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“A cat burglar aye?” asked Lily. “Are banks her usual M.O?”
“Not usually ma’am,” replied Sally. “But she’s trying to either buy or steal every soft cat toy in these lands.”
“Cat soft toys?” asked Lily, grabbing her car keys. “Too what end?”
“Word on the street says shes wants the biggest pile of cat toys the world has ever seen,” said Sally. “She’s a sick deviant that should be locked up for life if you ask me.”
“Now, now,” said Lily. “There’s no need to make a meowtain out of a molehill.”
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“Ma’am,” said Sally, as she entered DCI Lily’s office.
“Inspector,” replied Lily looking up from her desk.
“A call has come in ma’am,” said Sally. “First Account, our local high street building society, has had its vault cracked and cleaned out.”
“Any suspects?” asked Lily, reaching for her coat.
“It has the hallmarks of the famous cat burglar of South London,” said Sally. “Robyn Banks.”
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A new story, a new crime, a new villain and the return of DCI Lily and Inspector Sally!
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“I won the competition, but lost her love,” scowled the suspect.
“So you killed her in revenge?” asked Lily.
“Yeah,” grumbled the suspect. “Then I framed her and her friends for as many crimes as I could in the process. A grand smoke screen.”
“You may have gotten away with it too had we not arrived before you left,” said Sally.
“Officers,” said Lily. “Take her away.”
The constables ushered the killer out of the apartment as she ranted about tongue twisting competitions.
“A shame,” said Lily. “But she’s going to get a really tough sentence.”
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“She pushed me into entering the World Tongue Twisting Championship,” continued the suspect.
“Did you do well?” asked Sally.
“Yeah, I did as it goes,” said the suspect. “But that’s where it happened.”
“What happened?” asked Lily.
“The day of the final, she dumped me,” grumbled the suspect.
“Oh dear,” said Sally. “I bet that left you tongue-tied.”
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“She taught me so much about love, life and sports,” continued the suspect.
“So what went wrong?” asked Lily.
“It started the day she showed me her MC Hammer memorabilia collection,” sighed the suspect.
“Oh, aye?” asked Lily. “What happened?”
“She wouldn’t let me touch anything,” sighed the suspect.
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“She taught me so much about love, life and sports,” continued the suspect.
“What sort of sports?” asked Sally.
“Blindfold darts,” replied the suspect.
“Wait,” said Lily. “You play darts blindfolded? Isn’t that dangerous?”
“It’s exhilarating, exciting and chaotic,” replied the suspect. “Never tried it?”
“Well, no,” said Lily.
“Oh, you don’t know what your missing,” said the suspect.
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Little Fears 