Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“So you know the victim?” asked Lily.
“I met her many years ago when she was looking for a drummer,” sighed the suspect.
“So you were in a band with her,” said Lily.
“Yeah,” grumped the suspect. “The Naughty Devils.”
“I’ve heard of them,” said Sally. “A hell of a band.”
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“All right, all right,” said the voice from the toilet. “I’m coming out.”
The moment she emerged, Sally slapped a pair of handcuffs on her.
“Hiding in a flat with a dead body,” said Lily. “Blood on your hands too. Tell us the truth and it’ll be a lot easier on you.”
“Fine,” grumped the suspect. “I killed her. You arrived while I was covering my tracks.”
“Well, your plan went down the shi…”
“Sally!” cried Lily.
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“Ma’am!” cried Sally. “Come quick!”
“What’s wrong?” asked Lily, bursting into the bathroom.
“Look,” said Sally pointing towards the toilet.
Lily peered at the toilet. Its seat was down. A pair of eyes peeked out back from under the lid.
“Sally,” said Lily. “Flush them out.”
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Lily coughed and cleared her throat.
“I’ll check the bathroom cupboard, ma’am,” said Sally.
“For what?” asked Lily.
“Benylin or other medicine,” replied Sally.
“Aye?” asked Lily.
“For cough,” replied Sally.
“Alright, calm down Inspector,” replied Lily.
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“Hang on,” said Lily. “This laptop, it’s a plant!”
“Have we been scrolling through PDF replicas of emails and web pages?” asked Sally.
“Yes,” grumbled Lily. “And her PDF reader hasn’t been patched.”
“Look at that,” said Sally. “Is that a profile picture?”
“Inspector, get on the radio,” said Lily. “We’re looking for a narrow faced lady, black hair, slim frame and no fixed Adobe.”
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“What’s that smell?” asked Sally.
“Burning plastic,” replied Lily.
“The keyboards melting!” cried Sally.
“Darn,” grumbled Lily, watching the keys melt together.
“You must have hit a firewall,” moaned Sally.
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“It looks like she’s angered a lot of people on the Internet,” said Sally.
“It seems that way,” said Lily. “Just look at her Twitter profile.”
“My word her spelling and grammar is awful,” noticed Sally.
“Oh, I hate spelling mistakes on social media,” moaned Lily.
“Me too,” replied Sally. “You mix up two letters and your tweet is urined.”
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“It looks like she was planning a skydiving trip,” observed Lily.
“I’m too scared to go skydiving,” said Sally.
“Worried about the parachute not opening?” asked Lily.
“Definitely!” replied Sally.
“Well if it ever happens,” said Lily, “you’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.”
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“She’s got a few diet subscriptions service emails,” noticed Lily.
“I tried the almond diet recently,” said Sally.
“Oh, aye?” replied Lily. “How did that work out?”
“Eh,” moaned Sally. “It was nuts.”
“Sally, don’t make diet jokes,” sighed Lily.
“Sorry ma’am,” said Sally. “It was in poor taste.”
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“Let’s check her emails,” said Lily.
“What’s that one?” asked Sally.
“Household complaints,” replied Lily. “Looks like one of her neighbours has been playing loud music.”
“Oh, I had that,” moaned Sally. “Some bugger playing Lionel Ritchie at max volume.”
“I like Lionel,” said Lily.
“So do I,” sighed Sally. “But it was all night long…”
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Little Fears 