Category: Spiders

“There you go ma’am, ‘The History of Bad Jokes’,” said Librarian.

“Thanks a lot!” chirped Fuen.

“And may I get you anything ma’am” Librarian asked Cloud.

“Do you have any porn?” asked Cloud.

“Ma’am! This is a library!” squawked Librarian.

“Oh sorry,” apologized Cloud. “Do you have any porn?” she whispered.

 

~

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“Mum says I stink and need to wash more,” sighed Spider.

“Do you use deodorant or aftershave?” asked Spider.

“What are they?” asked Spider.

“They make you smell better,” replied Spider.

“Here, try putting this on,” said Spider, handing Spider a bottle.

“New aftershave made by me,” Spider continued, “It’s called breadcrumbs. The birds love it!”

 

~

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Spider looked miserable.

“What’s up?” asked Fuen.

“My new girlfriend is leaving me,” sighed Spider. “She says it’s because I’m too obsessed with The Monkees.”

“Oh dear,” replied Fuen.

“At first I thought she was kidding,” cried Spider. “Then I saw her face….”

 

~

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“So why were you in his car?” asked Yuffie.

“Because his cheese and onion sandwich was tiny and pathetic,” said Shadow.

“Let me have a look,” said Yuffie.

She pulled the sandwich open to reveal a stringy bit of cheese and the smallest onion she had ever seen.

“Really Driver?” sighed Yuffie.

“Yep,” said Driver, “that’s shallot.”

 

~

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“It was feckin’ awful,” said Spider.

“That bad huh?” replied Climber.

“Honestly, faith healer? He couldn’t heal a hurty knee!” snorted Spider.

“Was anyone else at the show angry about it?” asked Climber.

“Oh yes,” said Spider. “One guy in a wheel chair got up and walked out.”

 

~

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“Ignore him,” said Serpent. “It’s his current addiction.”

“What’s that?” asked Red.

“Oh, he’s obsessed with hill walking,” said Serpent.

“Ah,” replied Red. “I once got addicted to skiing.”

“Oh aye?” asked Serpent.

“Yeah,” replied Red. “It was a slippery slope.”

 

~

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“You’re not goin’ up there are ya?” asked Seb.

“Yeah,” replied Lady.

“You trust the stairs?” asked Seb.

“Well, erm, yes?” replied Lady. “What’s not to trust about stairs?”

“For a start,” replied Seb, “they’re always up to something.”

 

~

 

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Today’s tale is not a tale, but a letter Cloud asked me to publish.

Dear Madam

On behalf of Channel Seven, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your boss for our new reality show, and also the charming photograph you enclosed of him. Whilst agreeing that the Illustrator could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually “Fact Hunt”.

Kind regards,

Channel Seven

Wait… What?

 

~

 

Original photo available on Unsplash. Doodle and tale by Peter Edwards with his Posca Pens.

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“A weather Sprite?” asked Fuen.

“Yeah,” replied Spectre. “See, Sprite stands there all day, and at a glance you can always tell what the weather’s like!”

“Oh?” asked Fuen, awaiting the explanation.

“Look,” said Spectre, “if Sprite is out there in a bikini, it means it’s hot.”

“Right,” said Fuen.

“If Sprite looks wet, it means it’s raining,” said Spectre.

“Ah,” said Fuen. “I know this gag. If Sprite is gone, that means it’s windy right?”

“No,” said Spectre, “it means the pub’s open.”

 

~

 

Original photo available on Unsplash. Doodle and tale by Peter Edwards with his Posca Pens.

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“So, he was juggling you?” asked Cloud.

“Yeah,” said Spectre. “Your brother juggled me and four other Little Fears.”

“Oh dear,” said Cloud. “You know, in our old life, he was going to join a circus and be a world-famous juggler.”

“Oh aye?” asked Spectre. “Never did it though, right?”

“Afraid not,” said Cloud. “He didn’t have the balls.”

 

~

 

Original photo available on Unsplash. Doodle and tale by Peter Edwards with his Posca Pens.

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