Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Every time I do an Internet search for my symptoms, it says I have cancer,” moaned Spectre.
“What symptoms?” asked Sprite.
“Running nose,” sighed Spectre.
“Is that it?” asked Sprite.
“It’s been running for four days,” grumbled Spectre. “How do I stop my nose running?”
“Have you tried tripping it up?” asked Yuffie.
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“These pills are useless,” moaned Cloud.
“Aye?” asked Cloud.
“These pills you gave me for my body odour,” said Cloud.
“What about them?” asked Cloud.
“They keep slipping out from under my arms,” whined Cloud.
Cloud sighed.
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Red slurped and burped.
“Red,” sighed Yuffie, “why are you drinking out of that thing?”
“Because every time I drink out of the cup of tea you made me I get a pain in my eye,” moaned Red.
“I see,” said Yuffie. “Have you tried taking the spoon out first?”
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“There must be something you’re good at,” said Field.
“Not really,” sighed Cloud.
“There’s not one thing you excel at?” asked Field.
“Only sleep,” said Cloud.
“You’re good at sleeping?” asked Field.
“Oh yes,” said Cloud, “I can sleep so well, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
~
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“It was like this,” she said. “A lot like this.”
“Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me about it.”
“I was hiding in the closet,” she replied. “I heard her close the front door. I was frozen. I was in a big armoire, so I didn’t think she’d find me so easily. But she just came up the stairs, into my room, and walked straight up to me, hiding inside.”
He whispered, “And then?”
She opened the door.
He screamed his last.
~
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“Why so glum?” asked Rice.
“I have Deaficus-Maximus,” sighed Red.
“What’s that?” enquired Rice.
“Means I’m going deaf,” replied Red.
“Oh dear!” exclaimed Rice. “Can you describe the symptoms?”
“Sure,” said Red. “Homer is fat and yellow, and Marge has blue hair.”
~
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“Ah,” said Algae, “but it was a good film.”
“Not sure I agree,” replied Aqua.
“It had a dinosaur and a spaceship,” said Algae.
“True,” said Aqua, “but I prefer ‘The Beavers in the Mist’.”
“Ahh,” agreed Algae. “Best dam movie we ever saw.”
~
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He knew what a woodlouse was. They were crustaceans. They were brown in colour. They ate dead plant matter. He thought they may like wood, but he’d never seen a wood louse eating wood. He knew they had a hard exoskeleton and he knew they were more active during the night.
What he didn’t know was why so many of them were crawling out from under his fingernails.
~
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“How do I get to the beach?” asked Horror.
“Take the elevator,” replied Hill.
“Elevator?” asked Horror. “Very disappointing.”
“How so?” asked Hill.
“I always find they let me down,” sighed Horror.
“Funny,” said Hill. “I find them quite uplifting.”
~
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“I am afraid to say,” said Spider, “I think your father ran off to join a cult.”
“Not Dad,” said Blue, “he only believes in atheism.”
“What’s atheism?” asked Yellow.
“A non-prophet organisation,” replied Pink.
~
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Little Fears 