Heatwaves

Something I have been playing with on social media this week. In all honesty, I think it works better as a square with my marks on and writing on. However, the below was for Twitter this week, during the UKs epic heatwave.

God above it’s been hot, but my old boss insisted on having the air con on full blast. It used to give me a headache it was so cold. May as well have been working in a refrigerator. A short 2 weeks later, I am back at home, trying to get back into the swing of freelance life.

I have an empty schedule work-wise, with an imminent move in a few weeks time. So if any of you fine folks have any work for me, from website logo design to book cover illustrations, give me a holla!

I am having quite the argument with Amazon about the release of my third book. I browsed quite a few self-publishing platforms a few months back. They are all notoriously bad when there’s a problem of their own doing. In this instance, they massively misprinted my third books demo copy. Getting them to confirm this isn’t going to happen on release has been a pain in the arse. Anyone waiting for the third book, sorry, it may not be released this month as intended.

If you want to purchase my first or second books, you can grab them at the links below.

January USA – $15.54   /   January UK – £12.00

Capricorn USA – $15.54   /   Capricorn UK – £12.00

 

Wheat

“There must be something you’re good at,” said Field.

“Not really,” sighed Cloud.

“There’s not one thing you excel at?” asked Field.

“Only sleep,” said Cloud.

“You’re good at sleeping?” asked Field.

“Oh yes,” said Cloud, “I can sleep so well, I can do it with my eyes closed.”

~

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Talks

“It was like this,” she said. “A lot like this.”

“Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me about it.”

“I was hiding in the closet,” she replied. “I heard her close the front door. I was frozen. I was in a big armoire, so I didn’t think she’d find me so easily. But she just came up the stairs, into my room, and walked straight up to me, hiding inside.”

He whispered, “And then?”

She opened the door.

He screamed his last.

~

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Deaf

“Why so glum?” asked Rice.

“I have Deaficus-Maximus,” sighed Red.

“What’s that?” enquired Rice.

“Means I’m going deaf,” replied Red.

“Oh dear!” exclaimed Rice. “Can you describe the symptoms?”

“Sure,” said Red. “Homer is fat and yellow, and Marge has blue hair.”

~

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Louse

He knew what a woodlouse was. They were crustaceans. They were brown in colour. They ate dead plant matter. He thought they may like wood, but he’d never seen a wood louse eating wood. He knew they had a hard exoskeleton and he knew they were more active during the night.

What he didn’t know was why so many of them were crawling out from under his fingernails.

~

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Elevated

“How do I get to the beach?” asked Horror.

“Take the elevator,” replied Hill.

“Elevator?” asked Horror. “Very disappointing.”

“How so?” asked Hill.

“I always find they let me down,” sighed Horror.

“Funny,” said Hill. “I find them quite uplifting.”

~

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Merman

“Funny ‘ole fella Red,” said Merman.

“He’s like a fine wine,” replied Serpent.

“You mean he gets better as he gets older?” asked Merman.

“No…” sighed Serpent. “He’s like the sour grapes you had to stomp the crap out of until you had something acceptable to have dinner with…”

~

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Croc

The crocodile rolled, the smell of blood and fear hung heavily in the water.

He felt the tug as his leg ripped from his body. He stared up at the surface for an eternity.

Another bite. The remaining leg. Tumble, rip, spin.

The crocodile knew letting humans evolve this far had been a mistake.

~

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