Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“What do you think Sprite?” asked Red. “Do you think there should be another general election?”
“To be honest Red,” sighed Sprite, “I think politicians are like diapers.”
“Oh?” inquired Red.
“They should often be changed, usually for the same reason,” replied Sprite.
“It was awful,” cried Hydra.
“Well, the police say it wasn’t intended,” said Sprite.
“You know,” said Hydra, “there were over 400 sausages hidden in the luggage.”
“Good thing only one of them exploded on the boat from Berlin,” said Sprite. “Imagine if they had all gone off.”
“Yeah,” said Hydra. “Wurst case scenario.”
Dem puns that audiovisual don’t do justice!
She tipped her head to the side. It felt lighter than usual. She dropped the needle and walked into the bathroom.
“Oh, hello pretty kitty,” she said to her reflection.
She put her lipstick on. A touch of mascara. A quick brush of her hair. She turned to leave the apartment
“Oh yes, silly me,” she muttered to herself, scooping her brains off the floor and pushing them into the hole in her head.
“Can’t forget them!”
The Little Fears little horror stories are collected in Capricorn. The Little Fears second book.
“After that, he had the audacity to call me a coccydynia!” said Fuen.
“Urgh,” sighed Flower. “I hate it when people use big words to make themselves look smart.”
“Yeah,” agreed Fuen. “Thinking they look perspicuous…”
“You smell of bleach,” said Sprite.
“Yeah I had a good clean up of my house this weekend,” replied Spectre.
“Oh right,” said Sprite. “You know what they say about a clean and tidy home!”
“Yeah,” said Spectre, “the Wi-fi is broken…”
“Shut the fuck up!” yelled Cherry.
The dog kept barking.
Cherry grabbed a bone and threw it out the back door. “God dammit, shut the fuck up!”
The dog fell silent.
Cherry sat down to watch the rest of Countdown.
All she saw was darkness.
“I tried taking up jogging,” sighed Serpent.
“Oh I use a fit-bit,” said Fuen.
“I got into jogging because of a fitness app,” said Serpent.
“Oh?” asked Fuen.
“Yeah, I entered my diet into a healthy eating app,” sighed Serpent. “It sent an ambulance.”
“I quite like Google,” said Reala.
“I cannot stand it,” replied Fuen.
“Oh?” asked Reala.
“It reminds me of my ex,” sighed Fuen.
“How so?” pushed Reala.
“It won’t let me finish a sentence without making suggestions,” sighed Fuen.
“It’s a long feckin’ tunnel,” said Gemma.
“That’s why we have torches,” replied James.
“My dad used to tell me stories about this tunnel.”
“Such as?”
“He used to say people and pets would walk in one end and never come out of the other.”
“What a load of crap,” laughed James. “We’re nearly half way.”
“Yeah,” agreed Gemma.
The pair walked in silence for eight minutes and thirty-two seconds.
“It’s a long feckin’ tunnel,” said Gemma.
(An oldie one of the first horror Little Fears. Enjoy this tale? It was featured in Capricorn, the Little Fears second book.)
“It is amazing,” said Yuffie, gently breathing out and bending her knees.
“I think it’s the Chi,” said Fuen. “It gives me a warm and tingly feeling.”
“Warm and tingly,” muttered Clouds. “You mean like the warm and tingly you feel when you are in love?”
“Nono,” said Yuffie. “That’s common sense leaving your body.”
Little Fears 