Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Malcolm woke up, he could feel sand beneath his fingers. He coughed, violently expelling water from his lungs.
He took a moment to catch his breath. The smell hit him like a train. Rotten fish mixed with the smell of human decay.
A claw reached down and lifted his head. Red eyes staring into his soul.
“You’ll do.”
~
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“Good morning, sunshine,” she said.
He felt the thick rug beneath him and he heard the crackle of the open fire. He also heard his girlfriend crying in another room.
“Now we make sure every woman knows who you belong to,” said his ex-wife, as she began carving her name into his cheek.
~
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He ran the blade across his face. Stubble was always an issue for him. He couldn’t remember ever having an entirely smooth face.
The mist in the mirror began to fade. He reached up and gave it a wipe with a dry towel.
He dropped his razor into the sink. His reflection grinned with a flicker of red in its eye.
Today was the day.
~
The image for this post was lost thanks to the spectacular WordPress 5.0 update explosion that knackered this website. Sorry.
“Of course,” said Glen, climbing out of the chest.
He looked at the diminutive form. This child with such a sweet smile, pale skin, red lips, and a voice so sharp it could cut steel.
“Shall we play again?” asked the child.
Glen nodded. “Yes, lets.”
Well, what else could he do?
Butcher slammed his cleaver into the board.
“I understand,” he rasped. “I was never meant to see inside.”
Deliveryman nodded. “Well, I’m sorry you did.”
Butcher handed Deliveryman the scissors.
Deliveryman grinned. Tongue on sale tomorrow.
~
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“It’s odd though,” said Stephi. “Not one other child.”
“Maybe trick or treat just isn’t a thing in English villages,” replied Dean.
They ushered their offspring to the next house. Knocking on the door, calling a cheerful “trick or treat!”
The door creaked open, revealing a trail of blood to a pile of empty sweet wrappers, waiting to be filled.
~
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“It was like this,” she said. “A lot like this.”
“Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me about it.”
“I was hiding in the closet,” she replied. “I heard her close the front door. I was frozen. I was in a big armoire, so I didn’t think she’d find me so easily. But she just came up the stairs, into my room, and walked straight up to me, hiding inside.”
He whispered, “And then?”
She opened the door.
He screamed his last.
~
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He knew what a woodlouse was. They were crustaceans. They were brown in colour. They ate dead plant matter. He thought they may like wood, but he’d never seen a wood louse eating wood. He knew they had a hard exoskeleton and he knew they were more active during the night.
What he didn’t know was why so many of them were crawling out from under his fingernails.
~
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The crocodile rolled, the smell of blood and fear hung heavily in the water.
He felt the tug as his leg ripped from his body. He stared up at the surface for an eternity.
Another bite. The remaining leg. Tumble, rip, spin.
The crocodile knew letting humans evolve this far had been a mistake.
~
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She’d always known he was pretty kinky. He bought her a new pair of shoes every date they went on. He griped if she wore socks, smalls or tights.
“Well I do like them,” he said licking the soles of her feet. “They taste good and look like porcelain.”
She squirmed. He smirked.
She knew what was coming next. She’d seen the hacksaw in the top drawer.
~
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Little Fears 