humor – Page 14 – Little Fears

Bolts Bad Day

April 28, 2019 LittleFears13 Comments

“Hit me again, man!”

The old neon lights flickered annoyingly, giving a cheap stroboscopic feeling to every move the barman made, behind the counter. Bolt pushed his empty glass on the bar.

“If I keep the refills coming, you’ll get totally hammered. You know that, right?”

Bolt’s stare back was probably intended as a clear request to shut up and fill his glass, but since the bar tender didn’t show any intention of reaching for the scotch bottle, Bolt mumbled…

“That would be the plan. Unless you suddenly have scruples?”

The barman laughed, and his very white teeth blinked like a Cheshire Cat disco smile.

“And what is the occasion, if I may ask?”

Bolt frowned, still waiting for his booze.

“Remember the red head girl I offered a ride home, last Friday?” The barman nodded. “Well, I gave her a ride, home. I nailed her. “

The bar tender finally reached for the bottle on the shelf.

“Did your wife….?”

“Yup, she found out. I am a terrible liar.”

The man poured him a double and gave him a sympathetic look.

“Oh, Bolt… I am sorry.”

Bolt downed the drink, and handed his glass for another.

“Yup, I’m screwed.”

This week’s Sunday collab was written by Cyranny of Cyranny’s Cove. Pretty sure y’all know Cyranny by now. A long time Fears’erer, prolific blogger and scribbler of words.

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Pill Theft

April 25, 2019 LittleFears26 Comments

“Could someone give DCI Lily a call,” asked Reala.

“Sure,” replied Lucy. “Something up?”

“I think Sprite just stole my anti-depressants,” grumbled Reala.

“Darn,” said Fuen. “I hope he’s happy with himself.”

I didn’t find any particular phobias of pills, although there’s a lot of people with a fear of swallowing pills. I did discover there’s a medication phobia known as pharmacophobia. A fear of pharmacological treatments. That’s gotta be a bit of a bother to have.

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Crow Call

April 24, 2019 LittleFears12 Comments

The corvid sat in the tree outside. Peering through the window. Crows, ravens, rooks and magpies assembled underneath. They’d peer around the curtains, always looking for the televisions.

He left the curtains open and TV on to see if they’d get bored and leave him alone. They sat outside all night. Watching the static and listening to the white noise. Only moving on, when they’d received their instructions.

For all the Fuen’isms I’ve written on this website, she’s never been in a horror/weird fiction story. Funny thing. As a crow spirit, I have a lot of scope to shift her to the weird fiction side. It’s just never occurred to me to do it before.

Do you know what has occurred to me? Putting her on a t-shirt, and I’ve put her on loads over on my Threadless store. Need a link? littlefears.threadless.com

Currently with free shipping, just copypasta the following code: FREESHIP4197cca8e

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Puddle Poke

April 23, 2019 LittleFears14 Comments

“You look upset,” said Pedestrian.

“Well,” sighed Puddle. “My nan just got scammed. 92 years old. They stole her credit card details and everything.”

“Darn,” replied Pedestrian. “Sounds bad!”

“It is,” sighed Puddle. “But hey, for just £25 I’ll teach you how not to get scammed.”

Hah, now that was a damp squib of a story. Do you know what isn’t a damp squib? The Little Fears tees on Threadless. You can nobble one here: littlefears.threadless.com

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Yellow Deer

April 20, 2019 LittleFears27 Comments

“Deer your puns are awful” cried Sprite.

“Hey,” said Deer, “there is a fine British art to telling a good groaner.”

At that moment, the past and the future approached from opposite directions. Their paths crossed right where Deer and Sprite were standing.

The future bumped into the past, they turned to face each other, growled and postured in a grumpy fashion, then walked away up different paths.

“Wow,” said Deer, “that was tense.”

Sprite whined.

Oh, I loved Deer. A callback to her first appearance and one of my fave esoteric puns. She was in a few stories from my very first series of stories (featured in January) and never really came back. Reckon she looks right against a sunburst of Lemon Yellow for this weeks #Colour_Collective.

Her portraits also available on the Little Fears Etsy store: littlefears.etsy.com

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

TJOCD

April 19, 2019 LittleFears36 Comments

“What’s wrong now,” sighed Serpent.

“I can’t stop singing Tom Jones songs,” sighed Red. “The doctors said I had TJOCD.”

“What’s that?” asked Serpent.

“Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,” sighed Red.

“Oh dear,” replied Serpent. “Is that common?”

“Well,” grumbled Red. “It’s not unusual…”

Hah! Take that to the face, readers! A Tom Jones pun, direct from the 80’s!

The 1480’s of course… He’s that old right?…

Oh god, so am I…

Please excuse me while I have a minor crisis…

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Postage Stamp

April 18, 2019 LittleFears30 Comments

“Yours sincerely,” said Shadows, “Shadows.”

“Hey shadows,” asked Driver, “are you talking into an envelope?”

“Yep,” replied Shadows.

“Why?” asked Driver.

“Trying to send a voice mail, innit,” replied Shadows.

Shout out to regular commenter, Woeful for buying me a cuppa on Ko-Fi yesterday. I’m 100% with her on Fleabag. A comedy-drama(-tragedy), I cannot recommend enough. It had its finale last week. The entire show’s only 6 hours viewing. I’m certain all fans of quirky British humour will love it. Currently free on the UK’s BBC Iplayer. Amazon Prime has Fleabag, too.

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Red Moth

April 17, 2019 LittleFears20 Comments

“You’ve got to help me!” whimpered Red.

“What’s wrong?” gasped Serpent.

“I think I’m a moth!” squeaked Red.

“Why would you run into a theatre to tell us that?” asked Sprite. “You should have gone to a doctor.”

“I know,” cried Red. “I just saw a light on…”

The fear of butterflies and moths is called lepidopterophobia. I wonder what the general squawking and flapping of arms is called when a big moth enters the room and blats about. Moth-dance?

Thanks to Warren for the continued $10 Patronage.

Jellyfish’ed

April 15, 2019 LittleFears33 Comments

Wobbly and ambiguous. I’d say that describes the Brass story. It’s a story that would suffer from over-explanation or specifics.

I’ve witnessed three people losing themselves in their final days. It’s hard on everyone. Not remembering a 16-week long hospital visit or asking when we hung a painting that’s lived on the same wall in their house for 30+ years. Picking them up when they’ve gotten lost in the 1/2 mile long high street they’ve lived next to their entire lives. Sitting in the back seat of our Volvo and asking why there’s no steering wheel in the car.

I do firmly believe, sometimes the best we can do is keep everyone laughing. Laughter is often all that keeps us going in our darkest hours. It’s a coping mechanism with no equal. When our loved ones do finally pass on, remember the best of them. Keep their ideas, hopes and dreams alive just that little bit longer.

Also, keep telling their favourite jokes. I’ve told you about my mate Sid, right? He was the victim of ID theft. He’s now just called S.

If you’re supporting someone, or know anyone, suffering from age-related memory changes or dementia, there are good charities out there who can help.

Dementia UK – https://www.dementiauk.org/

Age UK – https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Alzheimer’s Society – https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

If you know of any good ones outside of the UK, please do drop their name and a link in comments.

Cheers.