Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“I am afraid to say,” said Spider, “I think your father ran off to join a cult.”
“Not Dad,” said Blue, “he only believes in atheism.”
“What’s atheism?” asked Yellow.
“A non-prophet organisation,” replied Pink.
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“Funny ‘ole fella Red,” said Merman.
“He’s like a fine wine,” replied Serpent.
“You mean he gets better as he gets older?” asked Merman.
“No…” sighed Serpent. “He’s like the sour grapes you had to stomp the crap out of until you had something acceptable to have dinner with…”
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“What’s that Aqua?” asked Girl.
“New joke,” replied Aqua.
“Oh god,” whimpered Girl.
“It’s got a punchline about chemistry,” said Aqua.
“May I hear it?” asked Girl, for reasons unknown.
“Nah,” said Aqua, “it won’t get a reaction.”
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“Well he was a bit odd,” said Fuen.
“In what way?” asked Yuffie.
“When I said I was in the mood for chicken, he gave me an origami bird made from paper,” sighed Fuen.
“Ah,” replied Yuffie. “Well, Red once gave me a statue made entirely of gaffer tape.”
“Blimey!” said Fuen.
“I didn’t like it at first,” said Yuffie, “but then I got attached to it…”
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“Jesus wept,” sighed Spectre.
“What’s up?” asked Sprite.
“I just got into a discussion about infinity with Red,” grumbled Spectre.
“What’s wrong with that?” asked Sprite.
“He just went on about it forever,” moaned Spectre.
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“Missus kicked you out again?” asked Cloud.
“Yeah,” said Pterodactyl. “I asked to borrow the newspaper from her. ‘Don’t bother with a paper’ she said, ‘I have a new 12-inch tablet!'”
“Oh, they are good!” said Cloud.
“Yep,” replied Pterodactyl. “Feckin’ fly didn’t know what hit it…”
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“Well there’s no point throwing a strop,” said Serpent.
“Grr,” grumbled Red, spitting out a tyre.
“What’s happened now?” asked Fuen.
“Red just lost his job at the helium balloon factory after an argument with his boss,” sighed Serpent.
“I won’t be spoken to in that tone of voice!” growled Red.
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“What ya got there?” Spectre asked Sprite.
“My latest Ebay conquest,” said Sprite. “A Buddhist lamp from a 16th-century monastery!”
“Nice,” said Spectre. “I hope it’s enlightening…”
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“Oh, shut up,” snapped Spider. “I’m fine!”
“Bugger off then,” replied Fuen.
“Spider, your addiction to drinking brake fluid is getting out of hand!” yelled Yuffie.
“Rubbish!” cried Spider, “I can stop anytime…”
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“It’s a UFO!” said Cloud, for the umpteenth time.
“I still don’t see it!” said Sprite. “It’s just a field of wheat!”
“Let me have a look,” said Fuen.
Sprite handed Fuen the photo. Fuen studied the image for a moment. It was a low-resolution photo, depicting a field of wheat.
“Well?” sulked Cloud.
“I can’t make out a UFO,” said Fuen. “It’s too grainy.”
~
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Little Fears 