Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Oh, heck no,” shouted Reala. “We do not serve time travellers in here!”
Just then, a time traveller walked into the bar.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” she said, “could I have a drink.”
Reala caught her breath.
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“Good evening, Moons,” said Reala, answering the phone.
“Hello Reala, it’s Alpaca,” said Alpaca.
“Oh no,” sighed Reala. “What now?”
“Just letting you know, I’ve set up a telephone hotline,” said Alpaca. “You can call me for spiritual teachings and lessons.”
“Really?” said Reala, bracing herself.
“Yeah,” said Alpaca. “Dial-a-llama…”
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Capricorn (ep. 81)
He noticed a peculiar crack across the bar top. About four inches long, shaped like a Cheshire cat’s grin.
“Barman!” he shouted again. The service was as bad as the health and safety record.
The plaster on the wall had a crack too. About two feet long, grinning sideways like the bar top’s crack.
He made a note that the building was dilapidated. He would see this place closed.
A creak of wood and he noticed another crack. Under his feet, six feet long, opening like a Cheshire cat’s grin.
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“Whoa,” yelled Alpaca, “don’t hit me on the head with that thing!”
Reala waved around the broom trying to shush Alpaca out the door. “Why not?” she yelled back.
“Because I got a bump on my head,” said Alpaca. “A book fell off a shelving unit and bonked me on the bonce.”
Reala paused and inspected the big red bump.
“I have only my shelf to blame,” sighed Alpaca.
“Get out!” groaned Reala.
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“Hang on,” grumbled Reala to Alpaca. “Is that a duck on your back?”
“Oh yes,” replied Alpaca.
“What’s she doing here?” asked Reala.
“Oh she likes my puns,” said Alpaca.
“Yep,” said the duck. “They quack me up!”
Reala reached for a broom.
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“I could bring my friend,” said Alpaca.
“Oh aye?” asked Reala. “Why would you bring your friend to a picnic date?”
“She’s a burger. Sort of,” pondered Alpaca.
“You’re friends with a burger?” asked Reala.
“Well, the bread bit of a burger,” said Alpaca. “She’s quite intelligent. She’s had some academic success.”
“Oh no,” said Reala, seeing it come from a mile away.
“Yep,” added Alpaca, “she’s on the honours roll.”
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Capricorn (ep. 80)
“When did that happen?” she asked.
“Couple of weeks back,” he replied. “He was sat on the floor, cross-legged with a tablet in his hands, focused on a picture of a pumpkin. ‘Good for Halloween’ I said. He told me it was seasonal.”
“Seasonal?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“Did you tell him it was Easter, not Halloween?” she asked.
“No,” he replied. “Dementia’s a twat.”
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“Wanna go on a date with me?” asked Alpaca.
“No,” replied Reala sternly.
“Oh come on, at least have a picnic with me,” pleaded Alpaca.
“Oh aye,” said Reala, “you are a llama of some sort, how will you bring food to a picnic?”
“Alpaca lunch,” she replied.
Reala grimaced.
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“Do you know your bra strap looks too tight from behind,” said Reala.
“It is rather,” sighed Alpaca. “Bit hard to adjust them with hooves.”
“Want me to loosen it a bit for you?” asked Reala.
“Would be nice,” said Alpaca. “It’s my sister’s bra.”
“Don’t have any of your own?” asked Reala.
“Yes, but they’re all in the wash. I tripped over this one sneaking into my sister’s room. I don’t think she likes me going through her stuff.”
“Ah,” said Reala. “Maybe it was a booby trap?”
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“Oh no!” gasped Alpaca.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“I just saw the back of my head in the mirror behind the bar,” moaned Alpaca. “Looks like I’m going bald.”
Reala wandered around behind Alpaca. “It’s only a small patch.”
“Maybe I should tattoo a rabbit on the back of my head,” pondered Alpaca.
“Why would you do that?” asked Reala.
“Because from a distance,” said Alpaca, “it would look like a little hare.”
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Little Fears 