Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“What up Hydra?” asked Yuffie. “Looking blue.”
“Ach, I just failed my driving test,” replied Hydra.
“Oh dear, sorry to hear that,” said Yuffie.
“I got 8 out of 10 on my test,” sulked Hydra. “2 squirrels jumped out of the way…”
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Pressed against the side of the RV, she felt her arm tear from her shoulder. She tried to scream, but it was more of a gargle. Considering what was left of her throat though, a gargle was quite impressive in itself. Tom’s face came in close to hers. She loved him. Even after he ripped her head off. There was still enough of Tom left to carry her head away from her body as the others moved in and tore it apart. Good ‘ole Tom.
The Little Fears little horror stories are collected in Capricorn. The Little Fears second book.
“Bugger,” said Spectre to Sprite.
He grabbed a dustpan and brush and got to sweeping.
“What we need now is teamwork.” said Sprite, slapping a mop across the floor.
“Teamwork is all about coming together, presenting a united front, leaving nobody behind,” replied Spectre.
“Also,” noted Sprite, running to the door with the bin sack, “shifting the blame on to someone else…”
“Then she says to me ‘we need to talk’,” grumbled Hydra.
“Isn’t it remarkable,” started Red.
“Huh?” asked Hydra.
“How often we need to talk often means you need to listen,” sighed Red.
“What do you think Sprite?” asked Red. “Do you think there should be another general election?”
“To be honest Red,” sighed Sprite, “I think politicians are like diapers.”
“Oh?” inquired Red.
“They should often be changed, usually for the same reason,” replied Sprite.
“It was awful,” cried Hydra.
“Well, the police say it wasn’t intended,” said Sprite.
“You know,” said Hydra, “there were over 400 sausages hidden in the luggage.”
“Good thing only one of them exploded on the boat from Berlin,” said Sprite. “Imagine if they had all gone off.”
“Yeah,” said Hydra. “Wurst case scenario.”
Dem puns that audiovisual don’t do justice!
She tipped her head to the side. It felt lighter than usual. She dropped the needle and walked into the bathroom.
“Oh, hello pretty kitty,” she said to her reflection.
She put her lipstick on. A touch of mascara. A quick brush of her hair. She turned to leave the apartment
“Oh yes, silly me,” she muttered to herself, scooping her brains off the floor and pushing them into the hole in her head.
“Can’t forget them!”
The Little Fears little horror stories are collected in Capricorn. The Little Fears second book.
“After that, he had the audacity to call me a coccydynia!” said Fuen.
“Urgh,” sighed Flower. “I hate it when people use big words to make themselves look smart.”
“Yeah,” agreed Fuen. “Thinking they look perspicuous…”
“You smell of bleach,” said Sprite.
“Yeah I had a good clean up of my house this weekend,” replied Spectre.
“Oh right,” said Sprite. “You know what they say about a clean and tidy home!”
“Yeah,” said Spectre, “the Wi-fi is broken…”
“Shut the fuck up!” yelled Cherry.
The dog kept barking.
Cherry grabbed a bone and threw it out the back door. “God dammit, shut the fuck up!”
The dog fell silent.
Cherry sat down to watch the rest of Countdown.
All she saw was darkness.
Little Fears 