Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Where are we going ma’am?” asked Sally.
“I know a lady,” said Lily. “She may have a lead for us on Robyn’s location.”
“You’re so well connected,” sighed Sally in awe. “May I ask who your contact is?”
“You’ve met her,” replied Lily. “She’s the flower growing, apple eating liar of East Croydon.”
“Ah, yes,” said Sally. “Poppy Cox.”
Photo by superloop on Unsplash
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“This isn’t my first animal case,” said Sally, clipping in her seatbelt. “I worked on the infamous reptile case of 2023.”
“Ahh, the rampaging lizard on Clapham Common?” asked Lily, flicking on the blues and twos.
“Yes ma’am,” replied Sally. “It attacked nineteen people, leaving four of them in intensive care.”
“If I have my police history correct, didn’t the lizard belong to Boy George?” asked Lily.
“Yes ma’am,” replied Sally. “I wish he’d had a calmer chameleon…”
Photo by Olesya Grichina on Unsplash
Thank you for joining me for today’s tale. Like the Little Fears art style? Well, I’m selling hand-drawn originals over on Etsy at the moment. Leo the lioness, Siamese and her kittens, Barn and Cloud sharing a hug and more. Hop on over to Etsy to see everything I have for sale.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/LittleFears
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“She has real cats too,” said Sally, opening the car door.
“Yes, I recall her name in a case I was once involved in,” replied Lily.
“Oh?” asked Sally.
“Some years ago, one of her french cats attacked a famous Belgian, Hollywood film star,” said Lily. “A Mr Damne if my memory serves me well.”
“Oh dear!” gasped Sally. “Was he OK?”
“He survived,” replied Lily. “Jean clawed Van Damne.”
Photo by Reuben Mcfeeters on Unsplash
Thank you for joining for today’s tale. If you need more Little Fears groaners, or even horrors, in your life, check out our books on Amazon. There’s no chronology to them and they are all completely separate books so you can start wherever and however you fancy. Unlike a delicate cake in a fancy restaurant. I don’t care how many stars you have, that chocolate cake is going into my mouth via hands. Feck the fork! Omnom!
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“She’s tried building piles of cat soft toys before ma’am,” said Sally.
“I see,” replied Lily. “How big has she made them in the past?”
“One hundred metres tall. I have a photo of the last one from her case file,” said Sally, handing Lily the photo.
“You see this?” asked Lily. “This pile has four flat sides getting smaller the higher the pile goes. See? A sharp point at the top.”
“What does that mean?” asked Sally.
“Looks like a purramid to me,” replied Lily.
Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash
Thank you for joining me for today’s tale. We have a new t-shirt in our Threadless store this week as Botanica arrived. I can say for certain that Threadless provide top quality shirts, but I cannot guarantee she’s not going to plant killer carnivorous plants in your garden if you wear her while digging up weeds. Sorry about that.
https://littlefears.threadless.com/
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“A cat burglar aye?” asked Lily. “Are banks her usual M.O?”
“Not usually ma’am,” replied Sally. “But she’s trying to either buy or steal every soft cat toy in these lands.”
“Cat soft toys?” asked Lily, grabbing her car keys. “Too what end?”
“Word on the street says shes wants the biggest pile of cat toys the world has ever seen,” said Sally. “She’s a sick deviant that should be locked up for life if you ask me.”
“Now, now,” said Lily. “There’s no need to make a meowtain out of a molehill.”
Photo by Patrick König on Unsplash
Thank you for joining me for today’s tale. If you love the Little Fears waking you with a daily groan, please consider buying us a cuppa over at Ko-Fi. It takes copious amounts of tea to maintain this level of cheap humour and doodles. Thank you.
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“Ma’am,” said Sally, as she entered DCI Lily’s office.
“Inspector,” replied Lily looking up from her desk.
“A call has come in ma’am,” said Sally. “First Account, our local high street building society, has had its vault cracked and cleaned out.”
“Any suspects?” asked Lily, reaching for her coat.
“It has the hallmarks of the famous cat burglar of South London,” said Sally. “Robyn Banks.”
Photo by Alesia Kazantceva on Unsplash
A new story, a new crime, a new villain and the return of DCI Lily and Inspector Sally!
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“It’s not alive,” she grumbled.
“It is,” claimed the Illustrator. “Look, see, two eyes and a mouth. It’s smiling at us.”
“Clouds don’t wave at us, bulldog clips don’t bite us and that car has no emotions. Inanimate objects can’t smile,” she moaned.
The illustrator furrowed his brow.
She threw her hands up. “I give up. How do you do it?” she asked walking away. “How do you anthropomorphize everything you see into a stupid doodle or story?”
The illustrator looked at the car.
The car looked back.
“How do you not?” sighed the illustrator.
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“Gonna fly home mate,” said Fuen.
“It’s been a long month,” sighed Yuffie.
“With no internet,” noted Fuen. “Can’t wait to get in and check my email.”
“Yeah, and I need to upload these snaps to Ello,” said Yuffie.
“You know you’re home,” pondered Fuen, “when the Wi-Fi connects automatically.”
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“Brah,” said Spectre, “what a run!”
“I know right,” said Sprite. “I’m knackered.”
“Taking a selfie?” asked Spectre.
“Oh yes,” replied Sprite. “Gotta tweet goals, man.”
“Innit,” replied Spectre. “All this working out would be such a waste of time if we didn’t tell internet strangers we were doing it.”
Apologies for this coming stupendously late today. Having to do some in-house work this week to keep the cash flow moving.
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“Grey Moon pub,” said Reala, answering the phone.
“Hello Reala,” said Bug.
“Ahh, Bug,” said Reala. “My biggest fan on social media.”
“Yep,” said Bug. “It’s me. Listen, I’m calling because Instagram’s down today.”
“And I can help, how?” asked Reala.
“Well,” sighed Bug, “I just can’t start my day without knowing what you had for breakfast this morning…”
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Little Fears 