Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“OK,” said Reala, “I am afraid Fuen and Yuffie scoffed all the Hobnobs and Digestives.”
“Knackers,” sighed Alpaca.
“I do have some Animal Crackers,” said Reala.
“Oh, I can’t eat them on account of my beliefs,” replied Alpaca.
“Eh?” enquired Reala.
“I’m a vegetarian,” replied Alpaca.
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“Can I get you something?” asked Reala.
“Cuppa tea and some biscuits, please,” requested the Alpaca. “Do you have them new Viagra tea bags?”
Reala studied Alpaca. “You’re a female llama. Why would you need Viagra tea?”
“Oh, it’s not for sex,” replied Alpaca. “It just stops the biscuits going soft.”
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Capricorn (ep. 78)
The effort of climbing the short flight of stairs made it wheeze and cough. It seemed more geriatric than terrifying. Years of comics and movies had changed the human mind’s perspective. He was not prepared for how vulnerable it appeared. He stepped back, into arms. Turning his head to see eight more behind him.
Sneaky buggers…
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Alpaca sat at the bar and started sniffling.
“What’s wrong?” asked Reala.
“Oh, I’ve just come from the petrol station,” replied Alpaca.
“And?” pushed Reala.
“I got a bit emotional,” replied Alpaca. “I just started filling up…”
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An alpaca swaggered into the pub wearing a huge slice of toast around her neck.
Reala looked over, grimacing. “Hello there.”
“Hey, hey,” replied Alpaca.
“What’s with the toast?” asked Reala.
“This?” said the Alpaca. “I’m in-bread…”
“Oh no,” sighed Reala.
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“You need to stop killing people,” sighed Yuffie. “It’ll come back to haunt you.”
“I know,” sighed Lucy.
“I never heard from Jane again,” sighed Yuffie. “I’ll assume you had something to do with that.”
“Yes,” said Lucy, “I turned her into an empty grinning pumpkin. Not even a candle inside.”
“Lucy!” gasped Yuffie.
“Yes,” replied Lucy. “I’ll admit, that was a hollow gesture.”
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Capricorn (ep. 77)
“You gave me life,” she sighed.
“I loved you,” she replied.
“You couldn’t leave me be,” she hissed.
“I still love you,” she cried.
“You spoke the prayer, you summoned me,” she growled.
They kissed. Then oblivion.
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“What about the French woman?” asked Yuffie.
“Francois?” replied Lucy.
“That’s the one,” said Yuffie.
“I killed her with numbers,” replied Lucy.
“How does that work?” asked Yuffie.
“She had a huit allergy,” grinned Lucy.
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“How about Joanna?” asked Yuffie. “Did you end her life too?”
“No,” replied Lucy. “I left her alone.”
“Are you still angry with her?” asked Yuffie.
“No,” sighed Lucy. “I am long past her burning my Stephen King books.”
“Good,” said Yuffie. “It’s bad to Carrie a grudge.”
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“Hello Lucy,” said Yuffie, taking a seat and offering a drink.
Lucy grasped the rum between three slender fingers. “Yuffie. Been a while.”
“You’ve been busy,” said Yuffie. “I heard Amy died in an incident with a gang of crows.”
“A murder,” grinned Lucy.
“Really? Ornithology puns?” sighed Yuffie.
“She was judged and sentenced by twelve ravens,” said Lucy.
“That’s a tad unfair,” replied Yuffie.
“Unfair,” laughed Lucy. “She had her day in court.”
Yuffie winced.
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Little Fears 