Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“I can’t multi-task at all,” sighed Black Fish.
“Oh, I’m great at multi-tasking,” chirped Surfer.
“Really?” asked Black Fish.
“Oh yes,” said Surfer. “I can waste time, procrastinate, look at kitten pictures and be unproductive all at the same time!”
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The first time his shadow waved to him, he thought it was a trick of the light. When his shadow took a kettle off the stove, he thought he was dreaming. When his shadow cut his wife’s head off, he was proud. When his shadow stabbed the policeman, he was nervous. His shadow now has religious texts and 14 pounds of explosives. He is not sure how he feels about that.
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“I just read a study on black holes,” said Yuffie.
“I just read a study on editors and insanity,” sighed Lady.
“I just read an article about weight,” pipped in Tree. “Women who put on a few pounds live longer.”
“Live longer than who?” asked Lady.
“The men who mention it,” replied Tree.
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He leaned back against the wall. She had him cornered. He drew his knife and drove it into her stomach. She grinned. He twisted the blade and dragged it upwards. She laughed. Transfixed, he watched her hair turn into roots and her face blossom into a flower. He didn’t notice the creeping ivy piercing his skin until it was ready to pull his kidneys out.
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“Hey Light,” said Fuen. “Haven’t seen you all week!”
“Yeah, I’ve been learning new skills,” replied Light.
“Oh really?” asked Fuen, “like what?”
“Well, I just spent the last six days learning escapology,” said Light.
“Six days!” exclaimed Fuen.
“Yeah,” sighed Light, “I need to get out more…”
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“Nick off!” said Plant.
“Mate, I do think about it sometimes,” sighed Shadows.
“What are ya talking about?” asked Fuen.
“Shadows thinks dolphins might be smarter than men,” said Plant.
“I believe he has a point,” said Fuen. “You guys can’t even get your wives to make you a sandwich.”
“So?” said Plant.
“Dolphins have women dress in skin tight clothes, stand by the pool edge, and throw them food,” grinned Fuen.
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“Never mind son,” said Whisp’s dad.
“But it bothers me,” sighed Whisp.
“That much?” asked Whisp’s dad.
“Yeah,” sighed Whisp, “my snoring keeps waking me up.”
“I see,” said Whisp’s dad. “Have you tried sleeping in another room?”
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He watched as the shipping container fell 80 feet from the crane and crashed down onto the docks. As he trotted towards the emergency, assessing each safety issue along the way, he wondered what had caused the rocking motion. The air was still, not even a breeze. In fact, now that he thought about it, there weren’t even any gulls around.
He peered into the container. The container peered back.
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“So anyway,” said Blue, “while the Little Fears are milking this health thing I thought I’d tell a joke about the nurse we once had.”
“You mean the short guy right?” said Aqua. “The one who was a bit dim?”
“That’s the one,” said Blue.
“Mate,” said Aqua, “that wouldn’t be big or clever.”
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“I used to flush the toilet a lot,” said Sprite.
“Eh?” asked Washing.
“Yeah, continuously,” said Sprite, “it was like an addiction.”
“Did you see a doctor about it?” asked Washing.
“Yeah,” said Sprite. “Turns out it was just a chain reaction.”
~
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Little Fears 