Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Capricorn (ep. 74)
I watched my last breath drift up, past my face. An elegant display of silver bubbles.
She held my foot. Fingers clasped so tight my toes were already numb.
One last gasp, the water rushed into my lungs.
My daughters face, already a memory.
Capricorn (ep. 72)
The tentacles pulled her closer. Skin pierced. Push down, fluid moving.
“Shuheretar,” uttered the beast.
“Whatever you say, mate,” she replied, kicking at its face.
Six rows of teeth came down on her ankle. She screamed. Her other leg was sucked deep inside the beasts mouth.
She knew what came next. But she wondered if the beast knew she had 500mls of poison coursing through her veins.
He snags his arm on a rock. With a rip, he tears a strip of his wetsuit off along with his skin. Blood trails through the water. He keeps wriggling.
She grabs his foot, she needs him to calm down.
He drops his air tank, kicking free of her grip, and swimming the last few metres into open space.
She hangs back, and with a sigh, watches the shadow of a three-headed undead shark moving towards him.
The water turns red.
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She closed the front door behind her with a sigh. Emptying her handbag onto the sideboard revealed a powder compact, a lipstick, some lip balm, and a loose penny, which landed on its side and stood upright.
“That’s supposed to be lucky,” said her husband, handing her a drink.
“I could use some good fortune after the day I’ve had,” she laughed.
Her husband nodded, downing his own whisky. Toasting himself silently, willing her to drink the poison-laden glass. He hadn’t noticed he’d given her the wrong one.
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“How do you do it?” demanded Roy.
The Indian played his flute, the rope danced to the tune.
“Look,” said Roy, “I need this for my act, or the Magic Council won’t let me play London venues!”
The music played, the rope swayed.
“Tell me!” demanded Roy, kicking the Indian in the face.
“Twat.”
That was the last thing Roy said.
Although to be fair, it’s hard to say anything when a rope around your neck lifts you six foot into the air.
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She poked the fungus with a pen. It seemed to move, on its own. Like it was reacting to the probing. Then the mushrooms reappeared. She sighed, slipping into a long-sleeved shirt to cover the worst of it.
She looked back across the bed at her client, sleeping. Tight bastard. No amount of protection was going to save him from this.
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https://youtu.be/2WcSxK0q5Gc
“This book,” replied Mabel. “The words keep moving about on the page.”
“You mean an e-reader?” asked Suzy.
“No, an actual book,” replied Mabel. “The chapter describes what’s happening here, just before it happens.”
“Oh?” asked Suzy.
“Yes,” said Mabel. “It says I drink tea, and I drink tea. It says I eat a biscuit, and I eat a biscuit.”
Suzy laughed. “What does it say now?”
Mabel adjusted her reading glasses. “‘Then Mabel bashed Suzy’s skull in with an ashtray.'”
~~~
Sometimes the world just wants something to happen. When I created this video I forgot to justify the text on the title card to centre. On this tale, called Moving Words. Gave me a grin.
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https://youtu.be/apjtMaTkQa8
“Web spiders?” laughed Ted.
“Oh yes,” said Teacher. “Also viruses.”
“But they aren’t real,” said Ted.
“Keep telling yourself that,” said Teacher.
Ted laughed, as the army of arachnids amassed inside the CD drive.
~~~
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He dragged her along the floor by her neck with his crook. Down the stairs now, her head banging against each step. Cold stone. She felt dizzy.
A heavy wooden door at the bottom. They went through it into a dark room. He released her. The door slammed shut.
Tilting her head to the side, she felt blood against her face. It was probably hers. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Two more men were here. Both with crooks. In the centre of the room seemed to be a twelve-foot-tall topiary sheep. Its eyes were red. It looked down at her.
‘Shepard’s Bush’ she thought to herself. She’d always wondered where this place had gotten its name.
~~~
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The card read: ‘You will find another man’.
She turned it over in her hand, looking to David.
“You take this stuff seriously?” he laughed. “It’s so dumb.”
He whacked the machine. A card slid out. ‘She will find another man’.
“Feckin’ machine,” he spat, whacking it again.
A third card. ‘You’re dead Dave’.
He reached back to punch the glass just as the machine toppled forward onto him.
~~~
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