“I think I’m developing a drinking problem,” said Snake.
“Oh aye?” asked Grass.
“Do you drink a lot?” asked Sky.
“No,” sighed Snake. “I spill most of it. That’s the problem!”
~
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Drink
Tag: writing
Butchers
Butcher slammed his cleaver into the board.
“I understand,” he rasped. “I was never meant to see inside.”
Deliveryman nodded. “Well, I’m sorry you did.”
Butcher handed Deliveryman the scissors.
Deliveryman grinned. Tongue on sale tomorrow.
~
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Deja Vu
“Just been to see the doctor,” sighed Cloud.
“Oh dear,” said Forest. “What’s your problem?”
“I’m suffering from severe deja vu,” replied Cloud.
“What did the doctor say?” asked Forest.
Cloud sighed. “‘Didn’t I see you yesterday?'”
~
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Trick or Treat
“It’s odd though,” said Stephi. “Not one other child.”
“Maybe trick or treat just isn’t a thing in English villages,” replied Dean.
They ushered their offspring to the next house. Knocking on the door, calling a cheerful “trick or treat!”
The door creaked open, revealing a trail of blood to a pile of empty sweet wrappers, waiting to be filled.
~
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Nose
“Every time I do an Internet search for my symptoms, it says I have cancer,” moaned Spectre.
“What symptoms?” asked Sprite.
“Running nose,” sighed Spectre.
“Is that it?” asked Sprite.
“It’s been running for four days,” grumbled Spectre. “How do I stop my nose running?”
“Have you tried tripping it up?” asked Yuffie.
~
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Odour
“These pills are useless,” moaned Cloud.
“Aye?” asked Cloud.
“These pills you gave me for my body odour,” said Cloud.
“What about them?” asked Cloud.
“They keep slipping out from under my arms,” whined Cloud.
Cloud sighed.
~
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Burp
Red slurped and burped.
“Red,” sighed Yuffie, “why are you drinking out of that thing?”
“Because every time I drink out of the cup of tea you made me I get a pain in my eye,” moaned Red.
“I see,” said Yuffie. “Have you tried taking the spoon out first?”
~
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Heatwaves
Something I have been playing with on social media this week. In all honesty, I think it works better as a square with my marks on and writing on. However, the below was for Twitter this week, during the UKs epic heatwave.
God above it’s been hot, but my old boss insisted on having the air con on full blast. It used to give me a headache it was so cold. May as well have been working in a refrigerator. A short 2 weeks later, I am back at home, trying to get back into the swing of freelance life.
I have an empty schedule work-wise, with an imminent move in a few weeks time. So if any of you fine folks have any work for me, from website logo design to book cover illustrations, give me a holla!
I am having quite the argument with Amazon about the release of my third book. I browsed quite a few self-publishing platforms a few months back. They are all notoriously bad when there’s a problem of their own doing. In this instance, they massively misprinted my third books demo copy. Getting them to confirm this isn’t going to happen on release has been a pain in the arse. Anyone waiting for the third book, sorry, it may not be released this month as intended.
If you want to purchase my first or second books, you can grab them at the links below.
January USA – $15.54 / January UK – £12.00
Capricorn USA – $15.54 / Capricorn UK – £12.00
Wheat
“There must be something you’re good at,” said Field.
“Not really,” sighed Cloud.
“There’s not one thing you excel at?” asked Field.
“Only sleep,” said Cloud.
“You’re good at sleeping?” asked Field.
“Oh yes,” said Cloud, “I can sleep so well, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
~
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Talks
“It was like this,” she said. “A lot like this.”
“Tell me,” he muttered. “Tell me about it.”
“I was hiding in the closet,” she replied. “I heard her close the front door. I was frozen. I was in a big armoire, so I didn’t think she’d find me so easily. But she just came up the stairs, into my room, and walked straight up to me, hiding inside.”
He whispered, “And then?”
She opened the door.
He screamed his last.
~
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Little Fears 