Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Hello,” she called out, moving with soft steps down the hallway.
The only reply was the sound of a cupboard door closing.
“Who’s there,” she called out, the anxiety in her voice rising.
The clatter of a saucepan, the fridge door closing, the sound of a knife on a chopping board.
“Is anybody there?” she cried.
“Yes, me,” replied the apparition. “Would you like a sandwich?”
~
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“There you go ma’am, ‘The History of Bad Jokes’,” said Librarian.
“Thanks a lot!” chirped Fuen.
“And may I get you anything ma’am” Librarian asked Cloud.
“Do you have any porn?” asked Cloud.
“Ma’am! This is a library!” squawked Librarian.
“Oh sorry,” apologized Cloud. “Do you have any porn?” she whispered.
~
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“Mum says I stink and need to wash more,” sighed Spider.
“Do you use deodorant or aftershave?” asked Spider.
“What are they?” asked Spider.
“They make you smell better,” replied Spider.
“Here, try putting this on,” said Spider, handing Spider a bottle.
“New aftershave made by me,” Spider continued, “It’s called breadcrumbs. The birds love it!”
~
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“What kind of nut job signs up for this?” asked the nurse.
“The kind of nut job that asks to be awake during the procedure,” replied patient 7.
The nurse shivered as the doctor began drilling into patient 7’s skull.
“Nearly there,” said the doctor, as he slid the first four wires into the hole.
“What was that?” asked the nurse, as the computer beeped.
“That’s not meant to happen,” replied the doctor, as patient 7’s heart stopped.
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Spider looked miserable.
“What’s up?” asked Fuen.
“My new girlfriend is leaving me,” sighed Spider. “She says it’s because I’m too obsessed with The Monkees.”
“Oh dear,” replied Fuen.
“At first I thought she was kidding,” cried Spider. “Then I saw her face….”
~
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“So why were you in his car?” asked Yuffie.
“Because his cheese and onion sandwich was tiny and pathetic,” said Shadow.
“Let me have a look,” said Yuffie.
She pulled the sandwich open to reveal a stringy bit of cheese and the smallest onion she had ever seen.
“Really Driver?” sighed Yuffie.
“Yep,” said Driver, “that’s shallot.”
~
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“It was feckin’ awful,” said Spider.
“That bad huh?” replied Climber.
“Honestly, faith healer? He couldn’t heal a hurty knee!” snorted Spider.
“Was anyone else at the show angry about it?” asked Climber.
“Oh yes,” said Spider. “One guy in a wheel chair got up and walked out.”
~
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“Please,” begged Malcolm. “Please help!”
The pedestrian walked over to him.
“Please, I’ve been stuck in this hole for three days. Please help me out.”
The pedestrian reached down to Malcolm, and then plucked the warrant badge from his jacket.
“Please!” cried Malcolm, as he was dragged deeper into the hole.
~
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“Ignore him,” said Serpent. “It’s his current addiction.”
“What’s that?” asked Red.
“Oh, he’s obsessed with hill walking,” said Serpent.
“Ah,” replied Red. “I once got addicted to skiing.”
“Oh aye?” asked Serpent.
“Yeah,” replied Red. “It was a slippery slope.”
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“You’re not goin’ up there are ya?” asked Seb.
“Yeah,” replied Lady.
“You trust the stairs?” asked Seb.
“Well, erm, yes?” replied Lady. “What’s not to trust about stairs?”
“For a start,” replied Seb, “they’re always up to something.”
~
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Little Fears 