Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Looking glum there, Spider,” said Yuffie, “Wos’ up?”
“What is up,” replied Spider calmly.
“OK,” replied Yuffie, “what is up?”
“Swallowed a bottle of Tipp-Ex last night instead of Viagra,” sighed Spider.
“Oh dear!” said Yuffie. “Any side effects?”
“Yes,” whimpered Spider. “I woke up with a massive correction.”
~
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“Hello,” she called out, moving with soft steps down the hallway.
The only reply was the sound of a cupboard door closing.
“Who’s there,” she called out, the anxiety in her voice rising.
The clatter of a saucepan, the fridge door closing, the sound of a knife on a chopping board.
“Is anybody there?” she cried.
“Yes, me,” replied the apparition. “Would you like a sandwich?”
~
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“There you go ma’am, ‘The History of Bad Jokes’,” said Librarian.
“Thanks a lot!” chirped Fuen.
“And may I get you anything ma’am” Librarian asked Cloud.
“Do you have any porn?” asked Cloud.
“Ma’am! This is a library!” squawked Librarian.
“Oh sorry,” apologized Cloud. “Do you have any porn?” she whispered.
~
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“Mum says I stink and need to wash more,” sighed Spider.
“Do you use deodorant or aftershave?” asked Spider.
“What are they?” asked Spider.
“They make you smell better,” replied Spider.
“Here, try putting this on,” said Spider, handing Spider a bottle.
“New aftershave made by me,” Spider continued, “It’s called breadcrumbs. The birds love it!”
~
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“What kind of nut job signs up for this?” asked the nurse.
“The kind of nut job that asks to be awake during the procedure,” replied patient 7.
The nurse shivered as the doctor began drilling into patient 7’s skull.
“Nearly there,” said the doctor, as he slid the first four wires into the hole.
“What was that?” asked the nurse, as the computer beeped.
“That’s not meant to happen,” replied the doctor, as patient 7’s heart stopped.
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Busses and Fears books. Wait a thousand years for the Little Fears to put out a book, and three come along at once. January and Capricorn are now both available in paperback formats on Amazon (woot!). January is a collection of 90 pun based tales (all published here) and Capricorn being 88 horror tales (12 posted here so far).
The paperback edition I got down to £12 from the looney prices I was looking at before by some ninja editing. Getting it to one tale per page made a huge difference on the printing costs.
The Little Fears is something I really enjoy doing. I think that comes across in every tale and doodle I put out there. But it wouldn’t exist the way it does if you, the awesome readers, didn’t come by, leaving funny comments and laugh along with the tales. As a thank you for being awesome, I have set Capricorns digital edition to free for the next 5 days.
Did I say three books? Yes. Already edited and being double checking now for mistakes is Spiders, another 96 tales of humour and wisdom from the Little Fears.
So yes, Little Fears books are indeed like busses… 🙂
Finally, another quick thank yu to Devina, who got January on the Kindle weeks ago and has helped me on Good Reads.
Spider looked miserable.
“What’s up?” asked Fuen.
“My new girlfriend is leaving me,” sighed Spider. “She says it’s because I’m too obsessed with The Monkees.”
“Oh dear,” replied Fuen.
“At first I thought she was kidding,” cried Spider. “Then I saw her face….”
~
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“So why were you in his car?” asked Yuffie.
“Because his cheese and onion sandwich was tiny and pathetic,” said Shadow.
“Let me have a look,” said Yuffie.
She pulled the sandwich open to reveal a stringy bit of cheese and the smallest onion she had ever seen.
“Really Driver?” sighed Yuffie.
“Yep,” said Driver, “that’s shallot.”
~
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“It was feckin’ awful,” said Spider.
“That bad huh?” replied Climber.
“Honestly, faith healer? He couldn’t heal a hurty knee!” snorted Spider.
“Was anyone else at the show angry about it?” asked Climber.
“Oh yes,” said Spider. “One guy in a wheel chair got up and walked out.”
~
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“Please,” begged Malcolm. “Please help!”
The pedestrian walked over to him.
“Please, I’ve been stuck in this hole for three days. Please help me out.”
The pedestrian reached down to Malcolm, and then plucked the warrant badge from his jacket.
“Please!” cried Malcolm, as he was dragged deeper into the hole.
~
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Little Fears 