Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“The sharks won’t let me off this island,” growled Meria. “Every time I try to leave they swarm around me. Tear me apart. Then I wake up in my bed, unharmed.”
“I’d say there’s something fishy about your story,” pondered Lucy. “But that’d be jumping the shark.”
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“You’re able to leave this island?” gasped Meria. “How?”
“The next storm,” remarked Lucy. “I’ll simply turn to smoke and drift away on the wind.”
“During the last storm,” pondered Meria, “I’d been smoking local plants, and I was sure I saw a cow in the sky. Tumbling around in the wind.”
“Well, that’s a high steaks vision,” chuckled Lucy.
Arr, first week of September and I have a cold! That’s it! I’m not leaving the house for six months. Come back Scottish summer, all is forgiven!
OK, there’s no way I could, in good conscience, post this story without also posting the old pun-filled story, Cows with guns, by Dana Lyons.
Join the fight for bovine freedom, people!
Cheers to Bruce, Badger, Kathy & Warren for the continued $10 Patronage. You can find me on Ko Fi, Patreon, Etsy, Amazon, Skillshare and Threadless.
“So is that for Sprites?” asked Parrotfish. “Their authors dead and social media has declared their childhood dead.”
“Many will remember Sprites fondly and the books still in circulation,” replied Cuttle. “They’ll be remembered and live on for generations.”
“Unlike the guy who wrote a book about zero before mathematics was invented,” remarked Jelly.
“I met him on the road to the afterlife,” remarked Cuttle. “I thanked him for nothing.”
Cheers to Bruce, Badger, Kathy & Warren for the continued $10 Patronage. You can find me on Ko Fi, Patreon, Etsy, Amazon, Skillshare and Threadless.
Two more dead Sprites washed ashore beside them and sunk into the black sands. “Look,” sighed Parrotfish, swiping through the tweets about the author who created Sprites passing.
The trio gasped as they saw tweet after tweet from humans announcing the deaths of their childhoods. “That’ll do it,” lamented Cuttle.
“Why are humans so eager to kill off what they once loved,” asked Jelly.
Puns return tomorrow. I just wanted a wee bit of character progression this week.
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“Famed children’s picturebook author dies,” read Cuttle. “It looks like Sprites creator has passed away.”
“So, how come so many Sprites are washing ashore and dying?” asked Jelly. “Surely if we’re humans hopes, dreams and ideas, the Sprites should be living on here. Civilization doesn’t just forget something overnight.”
“The way human history repeats itself,” pondered Cuttle, “I’m not so sure about that.”
Shout out and thanks to my $10 Patrons, whose support helps me bring you daily tales of groan-inducing terror. Bruce, Badger, Kathy & Warren.
The trio watched another Sprite emerge from the ocean, let out a cry for help, before immediately sinking into the black sands.
“I saw Sprites trending on Twitter this morning,” remarked Cuttle.
“I’ve had enough of social media,” pondered Parrotfish. “I’m on a social media detox at the moment.”
“Fair enough,” replied Jelly. “What do folks on Twitter think about that?”
“I dunno,” replied Parrotfish, pulling their phone out and opening the app.
Shout out and thanks to my $10 Patrons, whose support helps me bring you daily tales of groan-inducing terror. Bruce, Badger, Kathy & Warren.
“New phone?” asked Parrotfish.
“Yeah,” replied Jelly. “Just signing onto all my social media apps.”
“What’s your Twitter handle?” asked Cuttle.
“I’m not on Twitter,” lamented Jelly. “I find too many twits make a twat.”
Shout out and thanks to my $10 Patrons, whose support helps me bring you daily tales of groan-inducing terror. Bruce, Badger, Kathy & Warren.
Spectre awoke to find himself surrounded by Sprites. In the dim light of the moon, it took him a moment to realise they were dead. Their bodies decaying, missing limbs, bloated, dripping water and coated in black sand.
Spectre stood and looked up the road to the afterlife. He reached down to the Sprite sleeping next to him, plucking a stick of deodorant out of his pocket. “OK,” he sighed. “If we’re going together, y’all gonna need this.”
Cheers to Bruce Campbell, Badger, Kathy & Warren for the continued $10 Patronage. You can find me on Ko Fi, Patreon, Etsy, Amazon, Skillshare and Threadless.
“Bruv, I’m gonna crash here tonight,” sighed Spectre sitting down against a wall.
“Sure thing, man, I’ll keep watch,” said Sprite.
“Didn’t you once work as a security guard?” asked Spectre.
“Yeah, my boss told me to watch the office all night,” remarked Sprite. “I must have seen every episode a hundred times, and I still don’t know what it has to do with security.”
Cheers to Bruce Campbell, Badger, Kathy & Warren for the continued $10 Patronage. You can find me on Ko Fi, Patreon, Etsy, Amazon, Skillshare and Threadless.
“My last job was in a sperm donation clinic,” sighed Sprite.
“I knew a 500-year-old ghost who managed to get his missus pregnant,” remarked Spectre.
“So it was a phantom pregnancy?” asked Sprite.
Cheers to Bruce Campbell, Badger, Kathy & Warren for the continued $10 Patronage. You can find me on Ko Fi, Patreon, Etsy, Amazon, Skillshare and Threadless.
Little Fears 