Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“What do you think Sprite?” asked Red. “Do you think there should be another general election?”
“To be honest Red,” sighed Sprite, “I think politicians are like diapers.”
“Oh?” inquired Red.
“They should often be changed, usually for the same reason,” replied Sprite.
“It was awful,” cried Hydra.
“Well, the police say it wasn’t intended,” said Sprite.
“You know,” said Hydra, “there were over 400 sausages hidden in the luggage.”
“Good thing only one of them exploded on the boat from Berlin,” said Sprite. “Imagine if they had all gone off.”
“Yeah,” said Hydra. “Wurst case scenario.”
Dem puns that audiovisual don’t do justice!
She tipped her head to the side. It felt lighter than usual. She dropped the needle and walked into the bathroom.
“Oh, hello pretty kitty,” she said to her reflection.
She put her lipstick on. A touch of mascara. A quick brush of her hair. She turned to leave the apartment
“Oh yes, silly me,” she muttered to herself, scooping her brains off the floor and pushing them into the hole in her head.
“Can’t forget them!”
The Little Fears little horror stories are collected in Capricorn. The Little Fears second book.
“After that, he had the audacity to call me a coccydynia!” said Fuen.
“Urgh,” sighed Flower. “I hate it when people use big words to make themselves look smart.”
“Yeah,” agreed Fuen. “Thinking they look perspicuous…”
“You smell of bleach,” said Sprite.
“Yeah I had a good clean up of my house this weekend,” replied Spectre.
“Oh right,” said Sprite. “You know what they say about a clean and tidy home!”
“Yeah,” said Spectre, “the Wi-fi is broken…”
“Shut the fuck up!” yelled Cherry.
The dog kept barking.
Cherry grabbed a bone and threw it out the back door. “God dammit, shut the fuck up!”
The dog fell silent.
Cherry sat down to watch the rest of Countdown.
All she saw was darkness.
“I tried taking up jogging,” sighed Serpent.
“Oh I use a fit-bit,” said Fuen.
“I got into jogging because of a fitness app,” said Serpent.
“Oh?” asked Fuen.
“Yeah, I entered my diet into a healthy eating app,” sighed Serpent. “It sent an ambulance.”
Hello followers, subscribers and assorted paid up members of the rabble. As the post title says, I am saying thank you. Again. Because y’all mean a lot right now.
You may have noticed my postings have gone from precise times (8 am GMT) to erratic and all over the shop. That’s because this is where I currently live.
Yup. No floor. Decorating the London home so I can sell up and move to Scotland. It’s rather disruptive! Not helped by a lack of internet. My land line is somehow so knackered I cannot power the phone from the phone line. Think my videos are uploading at funny times of day and night? That’s just me hitting upload, going to bed and hoping they are all done by the morning. But hey, it works! So let’s keep creating and putting it out there! It’s only temporary, as are most issues in life.
Amidst the DIY related carnage on my home, right now, the support of you all, however it comes, is more appreciated than ever.When your house looks like a shed, every bit of encouragement is that extra bit more effective. From buying prints, tee’s, books, supporting on Patreon to liking, commenting on sharing my tales. It’s all appreciated and motivates me more than usual.
I shall be releasing the third book (finally, haha, oh god that again…) next week. I’ll put the announcement out to all you lovely folk and for five days from release, the Amazon Kindle edition will be free. I don’t do sales once a book has been out for a while because I feel it’s disrespectful to the people who support me and pay full price for digital and paperback books. By offering new books nobody’s bought at full price yet for free for five days on release to subscribers, that’s a thank you where nobody loses.
Cheers for sticking with us. I shall endeavour to continue delivering the most awful, cheesy and groan inducing punch lines this side of the fearful universe.
Keep creating!
“I quite like Google,” said Reala.
“I cannot stand it,” replied Fuen.
“Oh?” asked Reala.
“It reminds me of my ex,” sighed Fuen.
“How so?” pushed Reala.
“It won’t let me finish a sentence without making suggestions,” sighed Fuen.
“It’s a long feckin’ tunnel,” said Gemma.
“That’s why we have torches,” replied James.
“My dad used to tell me stories about this tunnel.”
“Such as?”
“He used to say people and pets would walk in one end and never come out of the other.”
“What a load of crap,” laughed James. “We’re nearly half way.”
“Yeah,” agreed Gemma.
The pair walked in silence for eight minutes and thirty-two seconds.
“It’s a long feckin’ tunnel,” said Gemma.
(An oldie one of the first horror Little Fears. Enjoy this tale? It was featured in Capricorn, the Little Fears second book.)
Little Fears 