Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“I’m pretty sure my neighbour is stalking me,” said White.
“What makes you say that?” asked Fuen.
“Well I saw him Googling my name on his mobile phone,” said White.
“Oh,” replied Fuen. “Where was that?”
“In his bedroom,” said White. “I saw it with my infrared night sight telescope. At 3 am. It was kinda hard to see through the crack in his curtains…”
~
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He woke up with a start. He looked down at the bed sheets. This isn’t where he went to sleep.
He woke up with a start. He ran his hand through the sand beneath him. This isn’t…
He woke up with a start. He saw a set of oncoming headlights.
~
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“Urgh, I have another session today,” grumped Cloud.
“What with?” asked Cloud.
“My therapist,” sighed Cloud.
“What are you seeing a therapist for?” asked Cloud.
“He says I have a preoccupation with revenge,” said Cloud. “We’ll see about that…”
~
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“So why did you change all your passwords to ‘incorrect’?” asked Fuen.
“Well,” said Spider, “I can never remember any of my passwords, and my rabbit keeps eating my password books.”
“And?” pushed Fuen.
“Well every time I get my password wrong, I get a reminder,” said Spider.
“Eh?” asked Fuen.
Spider spun her laptop around for Fuen to see the message, ‘Your password is incorrect’.
~
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“I can’t multi-task at all,” sighed Black Fish.
“Oh, I’m great at multi-tasking,” chirped Surfer.
“Really?” asked Black Fish.
“Oh yes,” said Surfer. “I can waste time, procrastinate, look at kitten pictures and be unproductive all at the same time!”
~
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The first time his shadow waved to him, he thought it was a trick of the light. When his shadow took a kettle off the stove, he thought he was dreaming. When his shadow cut his wife’s head off, he was proud. When his shadow stabbed the policeman, he was nervous. His shadow now has religious texts and 14 pounds of explosives. He is not sure how he feels about that.
~
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“I just read a study on black holes,” said Yuffie.
“I just read a study on editors and insanity,” sighed Lady.
“I just read an article about weight,” pipped in Tree. “Women who put on a few pounds live longer.”
“Live longer than who?” asked Lady.
“The men who mention it,” replied Tree.
~
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He leaned back against the wall. She had him cornered. He drew his knife and drove it into her stomach. She grinned. He twisted the blade and dragged it upwards. She laughed. Transfixed, he watched her hair turn into roots and her face blossom into a flower. He didn’t notice the creeping ivy piercing his skin until it was ready to pull his kidneys out.
~
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“Hey Light,” said Fuen. “Haven’t seen you all week!”
“Yeah, I’ve been learning new skills,” replied Light.
“Oh really?” asked Fuen, “like what?”
“Well, I just spent the last six days learning escapology,” said Light.
“Six days!” exclaimed Fuen.
“Yeah,” sighed Light, “I need to get out more…”
~
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“Nick off!” said Plant.
“Mate, I do think about it sometimes,” sighed Shadows.
“What are ya talking about?” asked Fuen.
“Shadows thinks dolphins might be smarter than men,” said Plant.
“I believe he has a point,” said Fuen. “You guys can’t even get your wives to make you a sandwich.”
“So?” said Plant.
“Dolphins have women dress in skin tight clothes, stand by the pool edge, and throw them food,” grinned Fuen.
~
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Little Fears 