Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“Hmm,” mumbled Fuen, circling an advert in a newspaper.
“Looking for a job?” asked Saturn.
“Maybe,” said Fuen. “Look at this one.”
The advert read, ‘ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! £35,000 – £40,000.’
“I mean that’s easy,” said Fuen. “The answer is -£5000.”
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“Oh dear,” said Yuffie, folding out a newspaper.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“It says here,” replied Yuffie, “Mad Penny Pencil McGrue, the courtroom artist for Harrow Crown Court, has been arrested for reasons unknown.”
“Blimey,” said Fuen. “Any further information?”
“No,” sighed Yuffie. “Details are sketchy.”
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Reala watched Saturn swing the door open and sit at the bar in a huff.
“What’s up?” asked Reala?
“My missus has been giving me stick again,” sighed Saturn.
“Oh dear,” replied Reala, pouring Saturn a glass of rum.
“She keeps saying she finds my personality sexy,” said Saturn.
“Aha,” said Reala. “Is that a problem?”
“Kinda,” moaned Saturn. “I don’t know which one she finds sexy.”
“Oh, don’t listen to her,” said Saturn, “she’s a moaning Minnie.”
“Be quiet you,” snapped Saturn.
“OK,” said Reala, pouring a few more rums.
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“What about her friend Mabel?” asked Yuffie.
“Well, she hasn’t been the same since the incident,” sighed Fuen.
“No,” replied Yuffie. “It was a terrible shame.”
“What happened to her?” asked Reala.
“She fell into a vat of lemon juice and almost drowned,” replied Fuen.
“She turned quite sour afterwards,” lamented Yuffie.
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“I had to close her down,” sighed Yuffie.
“What’s that?” asked Reala, rejoining the conversation.
“Barbara,” replied Fuen. “Yuffie caught her selling guns to a few of the dinosaurs.”
“Who’s Barbara?” asked Reala.
“She’s a T-Rex,” replied Yuffie. “Who makes a living as a small arms dealer.”
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“How do you do it?” demanded Roy.
The Indian played his flute, the rope danced to the tune.
“Look,” said Roy, “I need this for my act, or the Magic Council won’t let me play London venues!”
The music played, the rope swayed.
“Tell me!” demanded Roy, kicking the Indian in the face.
“Twat.”
That was the last thing Roy said.
Although to be fair, it’s hard to say anything when a rope around your neck lifts you six foot into the air.
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Just then, a lady dressed as a Roman walked into the bar.
Reala sighed. “Can I help?”
The lady held up two fingers at Reala.
“Piss off to you too!” cried Reala.
“I just want five pints,” grinned the lady.
“Bloody thespians,” sighed Reala. “Always making a scene.”
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“Well you have funny beaks!” shouted Reala.
“Well you smell of rotten fish!” shouted the penguins.
“Well you can’t even fly!” screamed Reala.
“Well your music taste is rubbish!” shouted the penguins.
“Aye?” asked Reala, “what sort of music do penguins like then?”
“Meh,” replied one of the penguins, “something with more sole…”
“BANNED!” cried Reala, kicking the penguins out of the door.
~~~
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https://youtu.be/tkXmxX3Fsg4
“Hello Yuffie,” said Reala down the phone. “It’s Reala. Listen, I have a group of penguins here, and they are driving me mad. How do I get rid of them?”
“Wheeee,” came a cry from across the room.
“Mmhmm,” said Reala. “OK.”
“Whooooooo,” came another cry from across the room.
“What makes it worse is the black, then white, then black, then white,” sighed Reala. “OI! Would you lot stop playing in my revolving door!”
~~~
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https://youtu.be/9jwPyyw3Jos
“Were you close to your mum?” asked Reala.
“Oh aye,” replied the penguin.
“She brought her up single-handedly,” pointed out another penguin.
“Gosh, that must have been hard on you,” said Reala.
“Mmhmm,” acknowledged the penguin. “It’s not easy being the daughter of a pirate.”
~~~
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