Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
Just then, a lady dressed as a Roman walked into the bar.
Reala sighed. “Can I help?”
The lady held up two fingers at Reala.
“Piss off to you too!” cried Reala.
“I just want five pints,” grinned the lady.
“Bloody thespians,” sighed Reala. “Always making a scene.”
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“Well you have funny beaks!” shouted Reala.
“Well you smell of rotten fish!” shouted the penguins.
“Well you can’t even fly!” screamed Reala.
“Well your music taste is rubbish!” shouted the penguins.
“Aye?” asked Reala, “what sort of music do penguins like then?”
“Meh,” replied one of the penguins, “something with more sole…”
“BANNED!” cried Reala, kicking the penguins out of the door.
~~~
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https://youtu.be/tkXmxX3Fsg4
“Hello Yuffie,” said Reala down the phone. “It’s Reala. Listen, I have a group of penguins here, and they are driving me mad. How do I get rid of them?”
“Wheeee,” came a cry from across the room.
“Mmhmm,” said Reala. “OK.”
“Whooooooo,” came another cry from across the room.
“What makes it worse is the black, then white, then black, then white,” sighed Reala. “OI! Would you lot stop playing in my revolving door!”
~~~
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She poked the fungus with a pen. It seemed to move, on its own. Like it was reacting to the probing. Then the mushrooms reappeared. She sighed, slipping into a long-sleeved shirt to cover the worst of it.
She looked back across the bed at her client, sleeping. Tight bastard. No amount of protection was going to save him from this.
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https://youtu.be/2WcSxK0q5Gc
“This book,” replied Mabel. “The words keep moving about on the page.”
“You mean an e-reader?” asked Suzy.
“No, an actual book,” replied Mabel. “The chapter describes what’s happening here, just before it happens.”
“Oh?” asked Suzy.
“Yes,” said Mabel. “It says I drink tea, and I drink tea. It says I eat a biscuit, and I eat a biscuit.”
Suzy laughed. “What does it say now?”
Mabel adjusted her reading glasses. “‘Then Mabel bashed Suzy’s skull in with an ashtray.'”
~~~
Sometimes the world just wants something to happen. When I created this video I forgot to justify the text on the title card to centre. On this tale, called Moving Words. Gave me a grin.
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https://youtu.be/9jwPyyw3Jos
“Were you close to your mum?” asked Reala.
“Oh aye,” replied the penguin.
“She brought her up single-handedly,” pointed out another penguin.
“Gosh, that must have been hard on you,” said Reala.
“Mmhmm,” acknowledged the penguin. “It’s not easy being the daughter of a pirate.”
~~~
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https://youtu.be/f3eSLyuwMTI
A penguin sniffed and started crying.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“Cricket’s just come on your TV,” replied the penguin.
“Her mum abandoned her because of her obsession with cricket,” said another penguin.
“Oh dear,” replied Reala, dutifully turning the television off. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” replied the penguin. “It just hit me for six…”
~~~
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“The one about the lie of the land something-something,” said a penguin.
“That doesn’t sound right,” said another penguin.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“Trying to remember a quote I read on Twitter this morning,” said a penguin.
“I have a good quote about quotes on Twitter,” said Reala. “‘The problem with quotes on Twitter is that you can never tell if they’re genuine.'”
“Who said that?” asked a penguin.
“Winston Churchill in 1943,” replied Reala.
~~~
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https://youtu.be/apjtMaTkQa8
“Web spiders?” laughed Ted.
“Oh yes,” said Teacher. “Also viruses.”
“But they aren’t real,” said Ted.
“Keep telling yourself that,” said Teacher.
Ted laughed, as the army of arachnids amassed inside the CD drive.
~~~
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The penguin at the back shook her head and rubbed her ear against a table.
“What’s up with her?” asked Reala.
“We were at a concert in South East Asia last night,” replied another penguin.
“Ah,” said Reala, “Singapore?”
“Terrible,” replied the penguin. “The rest of the band weren’t much cop either.”
~~~
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