Tales of humour, whimsy and courgettes
“I had to close her down,” sighed Yuffie.
“What’s that?” asked Reala, rejoining the conversation.
“Barbara,” replied Fuen. “Yuffie caught her selling guns to a few of the dinosaurs.”
“Who’s Barbara?” asked Reala.
“She’s a T-Rex,” replied Yuffie. “Who makes a living as a small arms dealer.”
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“How do you do it?” demanded Roy.
The Indian played his flute, the rope danced to the tune.
“Look,” said Roy, “I need this for my act, or the Magic Council won’t let me play London venues!”
The music played, the rope swayed.
“Tell me!” demanded Roy, kicking the Indian in the face.
“Twat.”
That was the last thing Roy said.
Although to be fair, it’s hard to say anything when a rope around your neck lifts you six foot into the air.
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Just then, a lady dressed as a Roman walked into the bar.
Reala sighed. “Can I help?”
The lady held up two fingers at Reala.
“Piss off to you too!” cried Reala.
“I just want five pints,” grinned the lady.
“Bloody thespians,” sighed Reala. “Always making a scene.”
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“Well you have funny beaks!” shouted Reala.
“Well you smell of rotten fish!” shouted the penguins.
“Well you can’t even fly!” screamed Reala.
“Well your music taste is rubbish!” shouted the penguins.
“Aye?” asked Reala, “what sort of music do penguins like then?”
“Meh,” replied one of the penguins, “something with more sole…”
“BANNED!” cried Reala, kicking the penguins out of the door.
~~~
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https://youtu.be/tkXmxX3Fsg4
“Hello Yuffie,” said Reala down the phone. “It’s Reala. Listen, I have a group of penguins here, and they are driving me mad. How do I get rid of them?”
“Wheeee,” came a cry from across the room.
“Mmhmm,” said Reala. “OK.”
“Whooooooo,” came another cry from across the room.
“What makes it worse is the black, then white, then black, then white,” sighed Reala. “OI! Would you lot stop playing in my revolving door!”
~~~
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She poked the fungus with a pen. It seemed to move, on its own. Like it was reacting to the probing. Then the mushrooms reappeared. She sighed, slipping into a long-sleeved shirt to cover the worst of it.
She looked back across the bed at her client, sleeping. Tight bastard. No amount of protection was going to save him from this.
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There is still no #Colour_Collective so a wee update on what’s to come over the next few months on the Fears website.
The preamble, I’m still in the process of selling my home with no end date in sight. Post sale, I’ll have 2-3 months of rented accommodation, or I’ll be at the missus family home. Not a suitable working environment and both will have, at best, my phones 3g internet with Scottish hills reception. A lot of my plans are on hold until I get the new house and some control over my creative setting.
Two things I want to release before I move. First, my next Skillshare course. How to turn a doodle into high-resolution digital graphics. No scanners required and the technique uses free software. I’ll offer the class free of charge for one week then set it to premium. A handy course for anyone that doodles that’d like a new social media avatar, blog banner or an interest in Threadless and Society 6. I use this method to make my book covers, art prints and Threadless tees.
Skillshare Premium gets you access to the entire website for as little as $0.99, not just my lessons. It just means I get a few pennies from students.
The second thing I’d love to get released is the next book, Grey Moon. Currently waiting on Amazon for that. Not sure when I’m going to get the first copy of the book, and I need a week or two to check it over a hundred times before release.
You may have also noticed a minor drop in posting frequency. I’m currently spending as much time as I can on building a library of videos on my laptop so I don’t need to do them in the 2-3 months where I will have no privacy. At one per day, I need between 90 and 120 videos to fully cover me for three months. For anyone who has ever done video creation, you know how much time that takes.
Semi-related, after this week’s YouTube announcement, I am not entirely keen on uploading to YouTube long term. I may need to take a leaf out of Miles & Crawford’s book and start uploading to audio/podcast sites like Podbean and Soundcloud. I would have never had a chance of YouTube monetisation myself. My videos are too short to get views counted correctly. It’s not just WordPress that can’t do stats right. But after all the drama of Logan the week before, YouTube responded by stepping on the small YouTuber while raising up the big’uns like Logan. I always felt YouTube represented an idea that anyone could have a go. Everyone can still have a go, but YouTube will make it hard for you unless you make it big. Not an ideology I like.
ComicsExplained has a trending video on why he’s looking at Patreon and other options. I, unfortunately, do not read comics anymore, except for the odd webcomic. Certainly nothing mainstream. But what he says about YouTubes decision reflects how I feel about the situation.
The last thing in this update is my schedule for the next three months and beyond.
Until I have my new house, possibly three months away, I’ll be dropping to one story per day and one blog post per week. I hope to keep roughly on this schedule.
Monday – Capricorn horror story
Tuesday – Grey Moon story
Wednesday – Grey Moon story
Thursday – Grey Moon story
Friday – January story, with new video
Saturday – Little Fears, Big Update
Sunday – Spiders story, with new video
Once I have moved, I can return to the busier schedule with my posts returning to the same level as the last few months. Seven new stories. Three old stories with new videos. One big update. One art/work in progress post. One long-form story. One blog on blogging or creativity. All of that, every week. Soooo many puns and punchlines!
Thank you very much, everyone, for sticking with me. You’re an awesome rabble of groaning, pun-loving and horror laughing oddballs.
https://youtu.be/2WcSxK0q5Gc
“This book,” replied Mabel. “The words keep moving about on the page.”
“You mean an e-reader?” asked Suzy.
“No, an actual book,” replied Mabel. “The chapter describes what’s happening here, just before it happens.”
“Oh?” asked Suzy.
“Yes,” said Mabel. “It says I drink tea, and I drink tea. It says I eat a biscuit, and I eat a biscuit.”
Suzy laughed. “What does it say now?”
Mabel adjusted her reading glasses. “‘Then Mabel bashed Suzy’s skull in with an ashtray.'”
~~~
Sometimes the world just wants something to happen. When I created this video I forgot to justify the text on the title card to centre. On this tale, called Moving Words. Gave me a grin.
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https://youtu.be/9jwPyyw3Jos
“Were you close to your mum?” asked Reala.
“Oh aye,” replied the penguin.
“She brought her up single-handedly,” pointed out another penguin.
“Gosh, that must have been hard on you,” said Reala.
“Mmhmm,” acknowledged the penguin. “It’s not easy being the daughter of a pirate.”
~~~
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https://youtu.be/f3eSLyuwMTI
A penguin sniffed and started crying.
“What’s up?” asked Reala.
“Cricket’s just come on your TV,” replied the penguin.
“Her mum abandoned her because of her obsession with cricket,” said another penguin.
“Oh dear,” replied Reala, dutifully turning the television off. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” replied the penguin. “It just hit me for six…”
~~~
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Enjoyed the daily tale? Please consider supporting the Fears on Patreon so we can keep making you cry and groan in the morning!
Little Fears 